It’s a struggle, no lie. I’ve never wanted to sleep more in my life, which is odd because I always functioned rather well on 5 or 6 hours a night. I realize it’s depression. I indulged it for a while, but now I won’t let myself take a nap. That just leads to more depression…I see it all the time at work.
So, for now, I’ve been working to maintain my exorcise schedule, even though I really don’t want to. I used to look so forward to working out and it pisses me off that the joy has been taken out of it because the source of my motivation seems to have fizzled…because fuck that. I’ve worked too hard to give up on feeling good about myself because of a stupid man. Sheesh. I thought I was more of a feminist than this. It’s gross really.
I’ve been trying to find ways to laugh and look for things on pinterest to build me up and distract me from my thoughts. I’ve been praying. A lot. For things that I know are good for me, even if it’s not what I want because I know I’m being ran by the flesh and not the spirit and it’s a battle that I have been losing. I need the Lord to save me, but I think he expects me to have a part in it and I’m clearly struggling. I’ve been trying to reach out to friends. I’m a rather private person in regards to my feeling and I find myself without a confidant. That blows really. It’s my fault for isolating myself though. So, I’m working on building a support system. I’m trying so damn hard to take my own Case Manager’s advice. Advocate for myself….but it’s exhausting some days. I’ve been working on dealing with my self-pity. I hate being in my woe-is-me brain sometimes. It’s awful. No one wants to be around that type of person. I know it seems silly, but I’ve been painting my toe nails and shaving my legs everyday. It gives me a tiny boost of self-esteem to know that my nails look nice and my legs are smooth. No one knows or cares, but I do and that still matters. I’ve been trying to little-by-little redecorate my house. It’s tough because money is tight, but I have mainly just been moving knick knacks around and keeping a scentsy burner going to make it uplifting. I think the next room I’m going to do is my bedroom. I would have started already but a part of me is scared Charlie will come and see it and be mad and I can admit that makes me stall. I don’t know why. He isn’t going to beat me or anything. I think I’ve conditioned myself over the years to avoid upsetting him because the fallout just isn’t worth it. Sooooo, I’m working on self-care because I know it’s important but it’s harder than I thought it would be. It takes tremendous energy to even give a shit when all you want to do is sleep. I’m working on giving myself a break too. That may be the hardest self-care lesson of all.