May 24

I keep staring at the sign in my room that says, “Be Yourself…Everyone Else is Taken.” I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve turned into this evil, vindictive, hateful person. I feel bad when no one is around, but I have to act tough when they are.
I have this longing for a guy that I only halfway ever wanted. I can’t tell if I’m infatuated with him or if I just want to tear him away from the girl he likes now.
I realised he was the good guy and that I made the wrong choice two years ago when I did not go for him. You cannot expect to keep someone on the backburner for two years and them not get burned out. It would be great if he had waited for me for two years, but that is just the perfect script for a movie and nothing more.
I keep thinking back to you yelling at me and saying you would never be more than my backup. I thought we were too close. We knew too much about each other, we got along so well, I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. But I loved how you made me feel.
I can still hear you saying, “hey beautiful.” It almost felt like a nickname. You gave me more compliments than my boyfriend ever did. I just don’t see how all of this ends in your bedroom.
I think back to that night and how every single light had to be turned off. When the lights came on you turned your head so you didn’t have to see me. Then I think of how ugly I must be. I think about how sex was what I got the second I walked in the door. I just wanted to see you, talk to you. I should have said no. I shouldn’t have come.
But then you held me and stayed up and talked to me for hours. And I wonder why? Why hold me and talk to me that way? Telling me about the girl you like as you run your fingers through my hair. I guess you had no choice, I hadn’t left.
I cry myself to sleep over this stupid decision. If I even go to sleep. I want you so badly, but I always want the guy who treats me badly. I should have wanted you when you wanted me. My timing is terrible.

I know part of what I feel stems from my hatred for myself. Now that he is gone I hate myself more and more with the days.
I’m hoping taking on a journal will help me discover who I am and hate myself less. I’m hoping I will try for new experiences and to lean toward liking myself rather than hating myself.

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