Motherhood – Identity Crisis – Time for myself

It’s terrible really. Staying at home with your kid and learning not only are you not so great at it, that you’d rather be doing something else with your time. 

I think there’s a lot of glossiness to the brutal reality that can be very present of stay at home parent-dom. 

Kids are great, I love my child, wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. 

Yet, here I am, feeling like all I do is pick up toys, repeat myself twenty times a day, and long for the little bit of the break I get at the end of the day or in between making grilled cheese or thinking of soemthing to do. 

I wish there were a parent + child day care place. Where you could go together and ahve a learning facility area / space for stay at home parents to go to “school” with their kids, instead of having teachers, there’d be some staff but the parents would be interacting with their kids and they’d have the option to leave the home, have socialization, yet still get time to bond. seriously this is a business idea, anyone can have it! 

There’s this terrible feeling of guilt. Guilt because I stay at home when many parents can’t and long to do so. Guilt because I have one and some days want to lose my mind, what about parents with multiples or special needs kids. My kid is “good” as most people say, but he’s still a toddler, still has his own struggles and troubling times, just like I do. There’s this guilt that the last time he went to school and didn’t really like it, then I took him out of school and he was so happy, he likes being home with me, yet I know he’s to a point now where he needs more to his day than what I provide. 

Somehow though I worry that he’ll see this transition of going back to school as a rejection, as a “Mom doesn’t want me” kind of rejection. I don’t want him to feel that way. And perhaps, since I do know I want my own time to work on my career / writing, part of me feels I am rejecting him. I thought I could manage both, yet, here I am, feeling as though I’m losing touch with me, or the best parts of myself that get all woken up and happy when I am tapped into something important that I believe in. 

It can become all consuming, the stay at home momdom to where all you talk about are your Mom woes or your kids’ antics, both good and bad, and forget all about anything else. Or, fill the space with talking so you don’t have to think about the fact that you don’t have anything else to talk about, and sometimes that sucks. 

There’s guilt because some people ahve lost their children. Or their kids are sick. And here I am not wanting to stay home with mine. So I totally feel like an asshole. 

Yet, I also feel like an asshole for not being super engaged happy buzzy creative mom with all kinds of ideas and things for my kid to do all the time. 

It’s like I know logically that if I’m struggling, my stressed out side isn’t exactly what he needs or wants, yet I feel almost obligated to let him be happy and not face the sadness or tough times of starting school when he’s scared or nervous or unsure. It’s totally tapping into my own childhood pain for sure — so I’m totally projecting. 

I honestly don’t know how he even says he’d still rather be home with me when we have many empty days of not much going on..I’d think he’d be rearing to go. Perhaps he is just a bit scared. 

To any parent out there – kudos to you. No matter what you’re dealing with or how good or bad you may feel about yourself or your ability to parent well. You rock. Keep at it. 

One thought on “Motherhood – Identity Crisis – Time for myself”

  1. I am a mother of 5 kids 3 of my own and 2 stepchildren. What you are feeling is normal I have felt that way. I waited till my children were all in school. Every point in a moms life you will have all those feelings. It’s good for you to have a mom time if it is a hobbie or just hang with friends. My children range fro 14 to 21 now. I had one daughter cried and fought to go to school tore me up but in end it’s a transition that they will adjust to. From experience they will gradually not need mom as much hurts a little but be proud you taught them also to have their independence. Good luck it’s tuff but this always work out

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