I miss a lot of things, but I’m spectacularly good at compartmentalizing so I forget about things until it’s been way too long…and then missing them isn’t too rough. That makes me sound like a psychopath, but I just seem to be able to let things go too easily. I’m not sure if that’s because I was super laid back at first or if I learned, long ago, that my wants and needs weren’t pressing and getting over stuff quickly was less painful. I’ve been a bit more introspective since the separation and I have a sinking feeling which one of those options is true.
I miss me. I miss knowing what I like and don’t…for no other reason than I made up my own mind, not because I was bullied into a choice. I miss feeling legitimately part of a group of friends. I have none because I tend to isolate. I don’t even know why. I adore people and enjoy company and activities. I think he has tore me down so much over the years that I don’t feel I have much to contribute and no one would miss me if I wasn’t there. Which, sadly, seems to be the truth. No one really calls me if I’m not around, but I don’t call anyone else either so I don’t know what I should expect. I miss being spontaneously happy. Little things used to amuse me and I’d find delight in lots of silly things. I’m trying to find my way back to that. Laughing just for the sake of laughter. Laughing because someone was truly funny and the joke wasn’t at my expense…I miss that. I miss being included and wanted just because I am me and people like me. I miss not feeling so unsure about myself. I used to have tons of confidence and didn’t really need encouragement from outside sources. Now, it’s like I question every little move I make and need opinions to buy my own damn bedding. It’s ridiculous. I miss feeling supported and enjoyed and needed and missed just because I’m me. I miss not giving a shit about people’s opinions. Good grief, when will I realize what they think doesn’t matter?!?!?! How old do I have to be before that life lesson is learned???? I miss having a partner who fully loves me…oh wait, you’d have to have experienced that before you can miss it. THE BITTERNESS IS REAL AND UGLY, MY FRIENDS…and that’s gross. I dislike cynical, jaded and bitter people. Maybe that’s why I’m having such a hard time with myself lately. I miss liking myself. I really need to figure myself out. If there was ever a time for reinventing who I am, this is the time.