Wednesday 24th May 2017.
Today is a shit day. Yesterday was equally bad. Feelings of loneliness and longing have been creeping up on me more and more of late and it’s uncomfortable. It also makes me feel guilty. I have people around me. I know there are people there if I need them. When I’m feeling shitty I reach out to one person. Someone who’s going to make me feel a certain way. If that one person doesn’t respond or doesn’t help, instead of trying someone else, I don’t bother.
Yesterday I tried to ring the person I am closest to, A. She is living about an hour away currently because she’s at university. It was not even important, I just wanted to update her on another friend of mine, E, who has been talking behind my back to J. I just wanted to be able to talk to somebody about it. To be told that I am not a bad person. Instead, A asked if I could ring her later. Later, I asked if I could ring her now. She asked if I could ring her at 11pm, but I said I was working the next day and would need to be up at 6am, so no.
It upset me. Sure, she was busy, but I was upset. Instead of having her tell me that E was wrong to say those things about me, I was left to wallow in self-pity. In that state, I sat and wrote a self-defecating list entitled ‘Reasons Why I Am a Shitty Person’. That list filled the page.
I am ready for university myself. I took a year out. The idea was to work non-stop, save, and get experience in theatre. Instead, I am working non-stop, spending compulsively and binge-watching Netflix. I want to go, to start over.
My issue is I get bored of people. It’s shitty, and it’s a shitty thing for me to do, but seeing unopened messages makes me feel exhausted, so I don’t look at them. It’s exactly what makes me feel so bad and yet I can’t help but do it myself.