The image is burned into my brain.
315 … The most I have ever weighed. A 62 pound increase from a little over a year ago. I am nauseated by the loss of control.
I have a crap ton of excuses I’ve pulled out over the last year. I blamed the Clomid I took when we were trying to conceive, the stress of moving in with my fiance, planning a wedding, quitting theater so I can make more money for a wedding I was putting together in 5 months. The further stress of dealing with my husband secretly packing up & leaving me for his ex a month after our wedding ceremony … and the struggle of trying to put our relationship back together again when he returned less than a day later. The chaos of declining health (a partially torn achilles that wouldn’t heal and a herniated disc only 2 years after a second lumbar fusion) followed by the sheer hell of caring for a psychotic manic husband who thinks he is God. Somehow I did it, hobbling around in my walking boot, pleading, cajoling saying anything just to get him to ultimately stay in a psych hospital. (This was his first episode in 7 years … his doctor felt a change in meds would be easy. Big mistake! Fortunately I was able to get him back on his own meds and he’s finally back to himself.)
All this aside, I am still the one to blame for this added weight. The only one who can make the necessary changes needed to lose not only the 62 pounds I gained, but another hundred.
Today is Wednesday and my new beginning. Nothing big – not yet or I will simply fail like so many times before. This first week will be baby steps.I will go back to tracking my intake, monitoring my steps and doing the physical therapy exercises needed for my achilles and back. Oh, & I will go to bed an hour earlier so I can get up by 1000. Ultimately, I will need to sleep more than 4-6 hours a night … but, baby steps.
“A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step. ” Lao Tzu
Let this journey begin.