13. Finally, I trsut myself.

I was wrong as I knew I would  be.

 

                                                                                     I still cant sleep.

                                                                                                        Idiot to think I could.

More thinking, more analyzing, most importantly, more realization. For the last year and a half of Antoinette’s and mine relation, was nothing but me trying to force her to love me, and trying to figure out what I had done to ruin 7 years. The answer, nothing. She answers, and reasoning she gave me were nothing but excuses, her love had died, she had moved on to someone else. My following relationship with Rose, I was to scared to ever make official, beyond troubles with her family for things personally about me, I began to sabotage it, even thought things were going great. Why? God forbid I fell and she did the same thing to me, that has just been done. Not that I’m hear broken over not dating Rose, or being with her, I really lost a great friend. Maybe the relationship could have been great because we worked so well together, but I just wasn’t my self. The stand point of her family, and even her self with things about me being Trans, made me so insecure I no long had love for my self. I lost love for the person I once was. Thought not only because of Rose, because the things Antoinette said played a large roll, I always had to deny that aspect of my self. Sacrificed who I am. 

                                       I don’t.

I’m unique, I’m a good man, I have been through a life many wouldn’t, and haven’t survived.  I cant slow other to define how I feel about my self, how I look at my self, and the person I am.

I finally trust my self. I hate the path it has taken for me to get here, but I finally trust my self.

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