Baby Steps.

It’s been almost a month since I wrote anything on here. I’ve been busy with school and a lot has been going on at work. For the first time since January I heard his voice. The second I saw his name pop up on my caller id I froze. I almost let it go to voicemail. Part of me wanted to, so I could just go back and listen to it whenever I missed him, but part of me wanted to answer it because I wanted to finally talk to him even if it was just work related.

So I answered. I answered like it was the most important call of my life and to be honest, it was a little awkward at first. It’s like I could feel his pulse through my phone, the tension was so thick I could cut it with a knife. But we got through it, and he asked me a few things and then it was over. That was the first conversation I’ve had with the one that got away since we stopped talking because everyone at work found out we had a thing and hooked up. I wanted to tell him right there in front of everyone I haven’t stopped thinking about him and how I missed him so much that it hurt. But I couldn’t. I had to keep it professional.

Baby steps. That’s what I keep telling myself.

He followed me on twitter a few weeks ago. And I literally was crying tears of joy. Ever since, I’ve been trying to post tweets that hint to him that I missed him. I missed him more than I’ve ever missed anyone. He’s been haunting me In my dreams. Our relationship is so beautiful. I have dreams of him picking me up and twirling me around and kissing me and holding me tight. I sit in his car while we drive away into the sunset and I just look at him and smile. I go to bed early hoping I get the same dream every night because I just want him.

Craving. I’ve been craving his touch, his smell, his kiss, his tongue, his body. I’ve been craving it so badly that just the thought of him hugging me makes my heart skip a beat. When I think about the time he came to my rescue when I had the gun pointed at my face by a cop. How he talked to me in the office, and grabbed my hand and didn’t leave my side until I was okay to drive home. I think about how I was sitting in my car and he just looked at me and said I was so beautiful, just because. I haven’t been called beautiful in so long, he was actually the last person to call me beautiful.

It hurts so much I want to fucking cry, it hurts so much that I want to fucking scream. It was supposed to be him. The moment I met him I fucking knew he was going to change my life and I ruined it. I ruined it by hurting him. I ruined it because I never left douchebag and here I am where I started. Miserable, lonely and dating a verbally and emotionally abusive asshole who doesn’t give a fuck about me. All I want to do is fucking cry. Every time I think about it, I want to cry. It’s so painful to think that he will never be mine unless I leave douchebag. But I cant leave douchebag because I literally have nowhere to go. Its not as easy as people thnk it is. I wish I could. Every day I pray that I get this job and I can afford to leave. That I can afford to have my own place and be my own person and live my life and hopefully get to my prince charming. But I can’t.

Baby steps. It all starts with baby steps. I texted him today, and we had a small conversation, just like old times. It didn’t last long, but it was nice. It wasn’t heavy and It wasn’t steamy like how it used to be. But it was still nice. It ended with, “it was really nice talking to you, ___ 😊” And I keep reading it over and over and over again. This is the start of something. I can feel it in my bones. He is meant to be mine. I don’t know if he has a girlfriend, and if he does, she is the luckiest person in the damn world. But then I’ll know what it feels like to be crazy over someone who is taken, and if he has a girlfriend I pray that she will never hurt him, but deep down I wish that we could be together. But it just cant happen right now. It all takes baby steps.

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