I will always…

And then it was the break of day, out late when the snakes came. I gave you my heart for the desired apple. Now I’m stuck here heartless. My heart is not my own, so I just wish you’d leave me alone. Seeing you in person tears me apart. But I refuse to let the tear be noticed. Maybe one day I’ll be roasted. I’d rather be making a toast with you. You don’t even know you’ve got me blue. I look for a sign. What do these dreams mean? How are our clothes matching when we never even speak. Haven’t seen you in months. Are you saying it’s a coincidence that after you left me on read two days ago, I saw you in person. I act like I hate your guts but I don’t. You want me to play your game, most people won’t but my hearts already broken and I have no soul. So let the games begin. At the stranger I grinned. Can’t wait for the next snake so I can give my heart to him.

 

 

So maybe I have closure maybe I don’t. I saw him today and I’m not sure if he is ignoring me or he just doesn’t have his phone (that second option is just my imagination running wild). My possibly last chance to ever talk to or see him again and I ignored and avoided. Even after Fee pulled him trying to get him to ride the bus home with us. How much more obvious could she be. Everyone keeps pushing us together. The only problem is I love him, he doesn’t love me. You see I may have just faked my own closure to make myself feel better but I’m pretty sure this is just me missing someone to have there. It’s more like ok, I knew the sweet taste of not being alone. So being a loner doesn’t feel the same,  loneliness is AMAZING at causing pain. I’m really pathetic. Trying to sort my jumbled thoughts on an online journal that I’ll probably stop writing in before the end of the summer. To make things even better I take finals in 2 weeks although by then everyone else will already be out of school. Sometimes I seriously hate myself. I never think things through and when I do I end up overthinking shit. What the hell is wrong with me?

 

Hows it feel, How’s it feel with your broken heart?

Can’t reveal, Can’t reveal all these fucking scars

Hurt me now, kill the pain, this is just the start

Kill me now, numb the pain, I just wanna stop

– Xxxtentacion 

I’m low key mad because I realized I can never hate him, I will always love him and he will never truly love me. Set up for failure, that’s why we can never be together. I have too many internal conflicts and his broken soul can’t bear my burden at all. Sometimes I wish I was less Selfish and that he never gave up.

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