Repressed memories

Ive never wrote or spoke of some of the things that make me who i am. Several times i have started to tell my husband of 10yrs, but never have completly told him. some out of embarrassment, some guilt, and even some doubt in my memory. My memories are like little short clips of things that happened but never can i piece together the whole movie. For whatever reason these events have really taken over my mind recently, and then tonight my husband and I watched a show that was very much ab child abuse but coming from the now adult… 

Maybe telling what I remember.. maybe writing it, will finally free myself from.. from.. from whatever hold this may have over me. 

Two of the earliest memories I have, i am not sure which came first.. so i grew up in a blended family of 10kids. when my mom married my step father he had a tv repair shop. Before my mother he had a video rental store that apparently rentes a large selection of adult films.  As a very young child  <8 i remember watching these videos. watching them with my other siblings, way before  i even knew what i was watching. I was 3rd youngest, and had two older step sisters close to my age and the rest brothers. I am not sure if watching these films came first or my first sexual encounter. we moved houses when i was 8, and I have memories of both in our old house so I only know i was younger than 8. my 2 only “full real” brothers and I were at our babysitters house who lived up the st. My brothers M and B were extremely controlling over me, from very early on but also protective over me… So basically they could beat me up but nobody else could..–Side note I do not have memeories of them beating me up beyond normal sibling fighting until much later.. I only bring it up bc I remember fearing my brother would find out. then he would tell my real father.. my memory is very clouded of that day. I remember our babysitter finding me and her nephew(who was my brothers age which means atleast 3yrs older than me) In a closet. the closet was stacked pretty high with clothes. I was on my stomach, he was on my back. We were both naked. and I remember him humping me but I have no memory of him actually penetrating me. I have no memory of us going into closet. I remember her opening door and yelling at us. my next memory i am dressed, and she told me if I behave she wont tell my mom. i have memories of him turning to me with a shhh sign over his mouth while he would be next to my brother. 

i guess after that i began to seek out sexual attention. still in our older house i have a memory of me taking household objects inserting them in my mouth trying to talk a family memeber into letting me try to suck his penis. This memory I can narrow down, bc I was left alone with this family member bc a abulance had taken my mom to hospital bc she had went into preterm labor with my little brother. I am 8yrs and 5days older than him. I remember this family member being resistant at first but then ultimately allowing. he wasnt an adult just an older than me family member.  He then had me sit on his lap, again no memory of penetration. 

I begin to be very obsessed with sexual things. In 4th grade i wanted to be a stripper when i grew up. so much that at my brothers pool party i stood on my bed and performed a “show” through my window that overlooked the pool. 

The first full sexual memory i have- i had just turned 11, and allowed my best friend’s 19yr old brother to take my virginity. between then and 13 i had sex with 10 different boys. Not that it matters but i grew up extremely fortunate with parents who were not abusive to me nor did they have any addictions. i didnt live in an area where this type of behavior was common or accepted. at 13 i got my first “real boyfriend”. who was 18 but my mom believed him to be 16. It wasnt until a year later of us dating she found out the truth by finding out him and I had stayed in a hotel together.  That relationship lasted for almost 2yrs and it was my first consistent experiments with sex. my teen yrs consisted of me looking for love and attempting to find by giving away my body. to put it simple i was a whore. I very much craved any type of sexual attention. luckily i never contracted std or got pregnant… 

 Fast forward to today. im happily married, with 3 kids. But anixety rules my life, and still to this day I seek the sexual attention from my husband (which he has no complaints over) but the sad thing is… I set my self worth/value based on how happy he is sexually. luckily God blessed me with an amazing good man who does not try to take advantage of this and isnt abusive or forceful ever.  i often wonder how much my anixety is linked to my childhood. how much of my desires now are link to me being “damaged”… i think it bothers me more that i dont remember in full detail than the events do.

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