My Toxic Mind (E1)

The sun is just setting across the lush tree’s just outside my window as I type this, now I am new to this whole online journal thing in a sense. I have typed up a handful of entry’s before now but I never really wrote down my trust thoughts directly which is what I’ll be doing. This is very nerve racking but I want to share this. I have suffered with a few mental issues I always deny I have/had them but I need to fess up to one tonight.  

Ever since I was 3years old I was a dancer, dancing was my entire life, as the years went on I started believing that dancers needed to be thin to be able to dance and that they needed to look and act a certain way. At 8years old I stopped eating I would look in the mirror and call myself too fat, each day I skipped all my meals and it got to the point where my ribs could be seen. The dance teachers at my studio noticed that I was getting thin and talked to my dad about me, later that evening my father talked to me about what the teachers discussed with him. He informed me that the dance teachers said that I needed to started eating because they were scared I was actually going to break something if I continued dancing. Of course with my love of dance I started eating at getting back to a good weight again because I wanted dance in my life. After 5 months I stopped feeling guilty eating and I was healthy and happy again.

This year though for the past 5 months I fell into a vicious cycle. I wouldn’t eat for a week and then I’d binge eat constantly doing this for a good 2 months, I hated myself so much I looked in mirrors calling myself ugly and I would follow crazy diets and download thinspo to help me through the hunger pains. All I wanted was to be thin like all the Victoria Secret models. For the next 2 months I would try to force myself to hurl when I binge at, thankfully I couldn’t make myself hurl on almost every occasion. For the final month I went a whole week just eating 1 can of tuna and an apple a day, for some unknown reason I managed to realize what I was doing was insane and stupid. I’m still trying to overcome feeling guilty when I eat, but I know that if I do become anorexic again  I want to be able to stop myself and get help unlike the last two times. I’ll confess I still do hate myself and still want to be thin but I know that I can’t achieve it that way, I have to teach myself to love me no matter what because I’m all I’ll have for the rest of my life.

~ Unaware

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