I was so sure… I was so absolutly sure of us that I was willing to bet anything on us. I didnt want to move to VA but if bottom line was that thats the only way we would be together… I would have moved. Maybe I should have told you that, or maybe I shouldnt have told you any of the things I told you.
You know….. there are so many unanswered questions about what happened but Im done trying to figure it out, I understand now that the answers dont matter. Im someone that hates choas, I cant function when things are out of my control and when all of this went down I was soooo out of control and I was trying to figure out what happened and then trying to explain myself to you.
Ive went over it so many times and everytime I blamed myself… I handled it so so wrong and I treated you so badly when all I really wanted to do was hold you in my arms and make it all better. But now I see, it doesnt matter how I reacted or what I tried to do…
I honestly thought that you understood me and who I am, where my heart is and where I come from. But you dont. And no matter how many questions I have the bottom line is that this isnt what I thought it was and Im mad at myself for believing it all.
Whether you meant to or not…. real love isnt like this. You wouldnt have been able to just toss me away, especially if all the things you said to me were true – Together no matter what, all you needed was loyalty and love and everything else we could work thru, you said youd never loved anyone like me and that wed die loving eachother…. Im not mad anymore, I just realized a lot about you and about our relationship.
I get that you were going thru things…. but you judged me based on my reaction to a situation that I didnt even know I was in.
Looking back, I can see that you wanted this over before now…. everytime I would try to talk to you about anything real youd jump to “so youre firing me” and turn it into a breakup somehow. When I told you I was “done, so fucking done”…. I meant with the way you were acting and not answering me about what was wrong but you jumped again to us breaking up.
Im just so mad at myself for jumping head first into this… I never put my walls up with you bc I genuinely thought that you were my soulmate, that I was made for you. Ive never let anyone meet Lacey but I did because I really though we were special and I would have bet anything on us being together forever.
You forced me into this bad guy role Pablo…. I didnt want to make your life harder, you should know me better than that. I only ever wanted to make your life easier and give you all my love. But you left me in the dark and then shut me out when I was trying to figure it out and you literally drove me crazy. I lost my complete mind for like 2 weeks… lost it. I dont think you understand what its like to hand someone your heart and they swear they will never hurt you (you swore you would never hurt me and that my heart was safe with you… you swore.), then randomly for no apparent reason they dont care anymore. They get sick and youre far away and they tell you to fuck off and youre scared and sad and only want to love them…
By the time I was able to catch up and you told me what was happening, then I was the asshole for treating you like that when i didnt know anything.
But I still loved you…. I was more vulnerable with you than Ive ever been with anyone before. Even after you kicked me and pushed me away I layed my heart in front of you and told you that Im yours…. youre what makes me happy and Id rather be in hell holding your hand than in heaven with anyone else…. I told you that sick or healthy I didnt care… and that Id wait for you, Id give you time and wait. I just needed you to tell me thats what you wanted bc I wasnt sure anymore, i didnt know if you really wanted space or if you wanted me gone – and you steped on my heart…. like it was nothing. And it was more than Ive ever given anyone before. You cant understand how badly that hurt
Thats not the point though… I was so busy trying to figure out answers that I missed the big neon sign saying exactly what you meant.
Im sorry for everything I did wrong to you but I swear it never came from a bad place….. I just loved you. I saw my whole life with you and I really really believed that I was born for you, so this all made me act crazy. Distance, plus you being sick and going mia…. I dont know that Ive ever been so sad in my life. Dont worry, I got your message loud and clear… Im trying to move on and forget about us.
Sorry, I ramble lol I probably wont ever send this to you, I just needed to get it out. I hope youre feeling better and getting your health under control.