29/05/2017

I am in love with a frontman of a band. As trashy and as childish as it sounds it is true. It isn’t a one sided thing because we are ‘talking’ which I guess is the 21st century version of dating.. like a relationship but without the commitment and the ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ label. I guess, pre-relationship. To compound things he also lives about 4.5 hours away from me. We’ve seen each other quite a bit in the past couple of weeks and slept together twice in that time. Despite all this he is fucking up my head.

After we had slept together the first time I found out that he was talking to two other girls (that I know of) which, I mean, we weren’t talking or together we were just ‘more than friends’ at this point so I really had no right to be angry although it really riled me up. Since then we’ve argued while we’ve been apart, sorted things out while we’ve been together, had great patch things up sex, and argued again. We argue because he has so much attention, his job is practically to flirt with people to come to more shows etc. I get that. He also has a flirty personality too which doesn’t make matters any better. Alongside this there’s the fourteen year old fan girls that think because he takes time to have proper conversations with them they’re in love. There’s also the girl that had drunk sex with him and accused him of rape just before we got together that he’s trying to keep sweet because he did nothing wrong. She messages me practically everyday asking if I’ve heard from him and how she’s feeling so numb etc. How am I supposed to let go of my trust issues when that’s constantly going on?

The other night I was driving home from working a day festival two hours away from my house, I was driving and texting him saying that if he carried on the way he was going I would have to make an effort to come down so we could sort things out once and for all and have some incredible make up sex. However, I made the mistake of saying ‘If you keep your promise’. His promise is that, it is only me in his like, no talking, sleeping with or being in a relationship with anyone else. As soon as I said this he replied ‘I just feel like you don’t trust me at all’. This fucking broke me, I am trying so so hard to trust him and I felt as though this just put things in the open that right now I don’t trust him 100%. To be honest it’s probably more 95% because I am very close to being there. But the repercussions were awful, I had the worst panic attack of my life driving along the motorway at 1am all the while texting him apologising. I felt like I was in the wrong although he was also in the wrong, I don’t know it was weird. We argue a lot but we also really really get along. My head is conflicted.

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