Guess it’s over…. for the 3rd or 5th or however many times

So granite I know I’m terrible wife and have known all along this charade would eventually come to an end. Just sucks because now I won’t have a ride or medical insurance. But whatever. I always manage somehow. I’m happy to be moving back in with my dad. And I realize I’ve done my husband wrong continue to lie to him about indulging in certain activities. But. On some level I think it’s fucked up he won’t even consider moving into my dads with me. A few months ago we were doing really good. I think I might have been genuinely happy. And I was completely sober. Then I slipped up and fucked everything up. We had a falling out that ended in me jumping the fence and busting my ass then slapping him in the face. I’ve never hit anyone in the face. He did nothing wrong. Ever since then my head has been fucked up. He still wanted to work shit out and we both agreed I should seek some kind of help. So I made an appointment with a shrink. Unfortunately that appointment isn’t until July 31st. I’ve always suspected I might be depressed. But after that day I think there’s a good possibility I’m bi polar. It runs in the family. So between that and still getting high behind his back I really don’t know where my head is at. I was hoping seeing the shrink would help me figure shit out and help with my drug infatuation. I know I’m better sober but since I quit my job and everything got fucked up between us I like to stay high. I’ve been incredibly home sick living with my husband. I’ve expressed this and we discussed moving onto my dads property within the next year. I was ok with that. Until last Sunday when my dad fell and I had to take him to urgent care. Thankfully nothing was broken or fractured. My dad even before this occurred has been stressing really hard about to what to do with the property he owns. He’s own a couple few acres and boards horses and isn’t able to keep it up anymore due to Parkinson’s and aging in general. He asked if my husband would consider moving in to help with the mortgage. I know he hates living by himself and has always needed help around the house. Of course my husband doesn’t want to move in and I understand why he wouldn’t want to live under the same roof with my dad but financially it would make most sense and I just wish he would move in. Since my dad fell I’ve been staying there the last week and have hardly talked to my husband at all. Then yesterday I ditched the cookout I told him I would attend then made every excuse not to come home. Of course the only time I act like this is when I’m high. I just want to go back to how we were before I slipped up. I can’t stand myself now. I hate how fucking irresponsible I am. I hate lying to my husband about getting high. But when I’ve been honest he just flips out and judges me. Yet just the other night he was telling me how quitting roxi is harder than he anticipated. I don’t flip out or anything when he does roxi. I know he knows I’m lying. He knows I’ll continue this habit once I move in with my dad. But if he was living there I wouldn’t be able to. Fuck. Idk. All I know is my dad needs me and moving in after my husband and I separate is going to be a burden on him on some level because I won’t have my own ride. I hate this. I should’ve had my own ride years ago but even that’s forgivable. What isn’t is the fact this time last year I had over $2,000 in savings and generally kept close to a stack in my checking account and somehow all that ended up going in my arm and here I am unemployed and rideless doing the same stupid shit. I know I’m insane based on the definition of expecting different results from doing the same thing. I think I’m done here. 

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