Letting Go

I am the kind of person who overthinks literally EVERYTHING. I analyze every conversation, every interaction that I have each day. Sometimes I can brush things off as things being just what they were but other things linger. They sit beneath my skin and fester until I’ve worked it into something where I can blame myself for things going wrong, or not being done right. I especially do this with any relationship that I have, be it acquaintance, colleague, friend or family. If someone just makes an off the cuff comment, joke around or whatever I will sit on it for way too long. Take it personally. Or worse, think they’re just lying to make me feel better.

I have always known this about myself. I will always put everyone else before myself, and overthink everything else in life. ¬†However, this has become even more obvious in the past month. I’ve met someone and originally it was only ever meant to be casual. No strings attached fun. Though, it changed very quickly for me and I definitely want more. The problem (or maybe not so much a problem) is that he has big, beautiful goals for his life that don’t involve staying in New Zealand. This is the one thing I get stuck on whenever I think about him. I love having him around. He makes me smile, he’s good with the miss and he doesn’t force anything. I’ve never met a guy like him before, and it saddens me to know that this is only temporary. Which is where my overthinking comes in. I know myself well enough to recognize that in time, I will completely and utterly fall in love with him. I will probably fight it but it’s going to happen and that scares me. It scares me because I know once that happens, it’s all over. The pain I’ll feel when he leaves to pursue his goals will be incredibly intense. It will be absolutely gut wrenching and to be honest, I don’t know if I can survive that. Except, the alternative is to end things now before I fall. End them now, when there’s attachment and it’ll hurt but it’ll be somewhat bearable. I will survive the pain if it were to end now. So, the battle goes on inside me.

Now, I have talked to him about all of this. I have talked to friends and family. I have received many different opinions and advice about what to do. If I was smart, logical and focused I would be able to make the call to end things now. However, I’m not those things. Not when it comes to making choices for myself. So instead, I’m listening to the emotive advice I’ve been given which is “enjoy it for what it is. Enjoy it for today and don’t worry about the future because it may not happen”. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, and I believe Mr came into my life at this point for a reason. I don’t know what that reason is, and I may never know (which will be something I will have to accept) but what I do know is he is something special. He is nothing short of amazing and I am grateful that he has come into my life and that he wants to be here. I guess that’s just going to have to be enough for me and I have to try not to overthink how this is all going to end otherwise I’m going to miss out on what time I do have with him and it’ll be over before anything can really happen.

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