avoidance

My brother is dying. My big brother who used to beat me up and pick on me is dying and he’s not even 50 years old. I’m not real close with my family anymore. My brother was the one growing up that needed the attention. He became paralyzed at age 11 and from then on things kinda revolved around him. He was the smart one. My sister was the pretty one. I was what was left. My dad had a problem with drinking when I was growing up and I think to some extent still does. I don’t remember if he was drunk or sober at the time but I remember he told me once that I was an ooops baby. They had their boy and girl and then mom found out she was pregnant and they thought well might as well. That was his words. I’m sure he said it as joke. He likes to make those jokes. How my sister is his favorite daughter. When he introduces me as the child they don’t claim. He always laughs like it’s such a funny joke. I guess it is because people always chuckle from it. Maybe I don’t have the right sense of humor.
But my brother. He was always there for me. He never judged any of my stupid choices in life and even through all his pain now he still asks everytime he sees me how school is going. To the rest of my family I’ve gone off my rocker going to school at my age. He was the one I could be honest with about my crappy marriage. He’s dying and I’m avoiding it. I’m trapsing around like my only concern is being dumped months ago. I hide behind that because it’s easy and because secretly the man that dumped is probably the only person on earth who knows how bad I’m hurting even when I’m making smart assed quips and laughing. He’s the only one who could comfort me and after last week I know I can’t possibly turn to him. It’s not fair for either of us.
So what happens now? I get the important info concerning my brother. But my sister has taken over his care. She takes him to appointments and see things get done. I sit on the side lines hurting…alone. But I’m good at being alone. Even though occasionally I dream of having that person that shows up just to hug me and hold me tight and tell me I’m not alone. My brother is dying and leaving me alone.

2 thoughts on “avoidance”

  1. I can’t imagine there are right words for this situation, or if there are, sadly, I don’t have them. But I am terribly sorry for your pain and heartache.

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