Mr and Mrs Perfect.

So I haven’t written much lately and I’m feeling the pain of bottling it all up again. The frustration of hanging out with the same people every single day is setting in. Doing the same thing like a record on repeat. A structure is good, but sometimes a person needs a break from the 24/7 schedule. So here, I’ll just bullet point the things that have been bothering me the past few months, and then end it with some positive happenings.

  • You are not perfect.
  • Neither of you is perfect.
  • You are not a Ferrari. You look more like a dirty utility van with a free candy sign on it.
  • Your teeth only look perfect because you have veneers. Underneath they are yellow and misshapen. Stop making your husband feel bad about his mouth.
  • Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean everyone can.
  • Just because you can’t do something, doesn’t mean it’s impossible for me or him.
  • I am on a weight loss journey. You do not need to keep reminding me that I’m twice your size.
  • I am not a child, quit treating me like I am. Same with your husband, even if he pisses me off too.
  • You really need to stop talking to me like I’m 5 years old. Same with your husband.
  • Not everybody likes you. Most people just tolerate you for the sake of being a kind human.
  • Your husband is a judgemental prick.
  • You are now a judgemental prick since you married him.
  • The world doesn’t owe you a damn thing.
  • Just because you work at a bank, doesn’t mean you run this city.
  • My brother absolutely would ticket you, or arrest you. He barely knows who you are.
  • My family never thought you were the innocent one.
  • Quit telling everyone we were inseparable in high school. We barely hung out outside of sporting events.
  • I never changed your daughter’s diapers. We weren’t even on speaking terms when you had her because your first husband forbade it.
  • You never gave R. Hubbard a handy on the track bus. He was too young to have been in track with us in high school.
  • No, I didn’t see the invite for so-and-so’s party. They probably didn’t even invite me.
  • Stop trying to make me feel bad for who I am.
  • Stop telling people I was a dancer. I can dance, I took lessons, but that was 20 years ago!
  • You are not a trained dancer. Stop lying.
  • You were never a voice coach. Stop lying, you barely hit the right notes in most songs at karaoke.
  • You need your ears checked.
  • I doubt you are allergic to half the things you say you are allergic to.
  • You aren’t allergic to smoke, you used to smoke pot yourself.
  • You and your husband both lie to each other. Him about his eating habits, and you about things you did before dating him. Like your pot smoking ways that you had to quit for him and didn’t tell him.
  • I highly doubt E Millegan still even speaks to you. He barely speaks to anyone from high school anymore. He’s a Hollywood/Broadway actor now!
  • Quit saying you hate 60s music yet love Elvis Presley.
  • Quit saying you don’t like vinegar, yet eat my vinaigrettes on salad (vinegar based dressing!), use pickle juice in potato salad, and have three different types of vinegar in your pantry!
  • How can you possibly say “I don’t like mustard, don’t put it near me” one day, and then the next say “I have to put extra mustard on my potato salad and on my deviled eggs”. HYPOCRITE.
  • What fucking exercise routine are you doing? You are never out of breath or have an elevated heart rate. You even said you didn’t want to look like a wuss. You stop and rest after every half a lap in the pool. You swim half a lap for every 5 laps your wife swims and then crab walk back the other way. WTF even is that? Then eat nothing but crap food and wonder why you aren’t losing weight. GO TO THE FUCKING DOCTOR if you think all this exercise isn’t doing the trick.

All right. Time to leave some other things for another journal entry on another day.

A happy note to the end of this. I’m down 15lbs in two months. AMAZING!

 

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