Uh oh Toto

Just when I got into a rhythm of laughable nights and reduced my goal I had to go tonight. I knew John had me the first time we met. I knew the moment he pulled my hair I was his. I don’t know why or how but that was the moment I knew it. I felt that tonight and he didn’t even touch me. I got there way early and went to the bathroom and came back out and waited. I’m not sure why I was feeling it, but I was ready to run before he even walked in the door. I kept looking at my phone thinking ok at 5 minutes past I’m leaving. But he walked through the door and I couldn’t even look at him. I was so nervous and I had no clue why.
I sat across from him at a table and he asked me questions. Questions that I’ve never even answered in writing to anyone let alone sitting across with them looking at every move I made. But I answered them. He has this commanding presence that I’m not familiar with which I know sounds strange as this isn’t my first rodeo. I wiggled and squirmed and answered his questions. I tried to play it cool but it felt like he was already inside my head. He explained how he does things. The protocols and things. Which as he explained I tried to tell myself ok well it’s really nothing that different from what I’ve done in the past. They told me what they wanted at different times and obeyed. But even as I’m thinking this my mind is saying I can’t do this! I’m going to mess up. I’ve never been exposed to such a strict regimen. I’m going to fail.
Then he brought up the topic of devotion. He requires absolute devotion from his sub or slave. I think my heart actually stopped beating for a moment and I know I froze in my seat. I felt this moment of pure panic and all I could think was …yes of course do because what fun is it without it when you completely destroy them. I actually felt that wall go up. I felt my breathing speed up and I wanted to run. I sat there thinking I didn’t tell him about my running feet. When I feel panicked I run to the bathroom. He was talking but I was looking for a place to hide and then I heard him ask me if I could do that. I know my answer came out with a touch of an attitude but it was the only way I could make myself talk. My mind is screaming no!!! I can’t do that and it’s not fair for you to ask that. You get total devotion and I get a few good years and tossed out like trash? NO! While my mind is screaming this my head is nodding yes to his answer and I hear my voice with slight attitude saying I can do that. Immediately he was asking what was going on with me. Again I found myself answering him. It made no sense. Anything he asked I answered. But as I answered I found my foot reaching until it touched his. Just as the feeling of calm came over me he commented on it. Two shoes barely touching but he noticed. I asked if he minded if I went to the bathroom but he saw through that and asked if it was because I needed to go or needed to compose myself. ugghhhh who was this guy??
When we discussed why I got disturbed at him bringing up devotion he suggested we take it slow so we are sure. I thought to myself thank you thank you thank you! The whole time with him I felt more vulnerable than I ever have. Feeling any amount of vulnerability makes me want to hide, run and hide. But I didn’t. I found myself wanting to kneel in front him, curl up at his feet and let that feeling just settle into something else.
When he asked if I had any questions for him the only things that came into my mind were the panicked questions of the past. I don’t want to ask those panicked questions. I want to find a way to not be terrified of what may come.
Oh! The texting? I was right. He was seeing how I would react to him not contacting me. As we all saw not well. I wonder if he will initiate texts now? I find myself wanting to reach out to him but I stop myself. See he went on about devotion but that’s because he doesn’t know me. I can already feel myself feeling these things. But I need to control it. I feel like I’m safe with him, but he’s right. I have missed it and I don’t want to jump in over my head.
Danny wrote me today and asked me to go to the playhouse on Saturday. So, do I go with Danny Saturday night to the playhouse? Ok, I admit it…I don’t really want to. But maybe I should just to keep myself from feeling what I’m already feeling.
He’s like nothing I’ve experienced before and it scares me and excites me. Near the end of the night he asked that sometime over the next couple of days, sooner rather than later I write down my thoughts on tonight. Again he didn’t know I have this blog. So I’m wondering if I just give him this, my raw thoughts and feelings thrown down or if I edit this before handing it over. I can’t actually give him this version can I? I mean, this is pure babble. But then again that’s how I process things. In this form of pure babble. Maybe it will scare him away. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking do you really want to scare him away? Yes and no. I feel like I have only ever touched on who I really am and I get this impression that if something comes of this I’m going to find out who I really am. That scares the crap out of me.
He walked me to my car. Only the slightest touch of the hands and a soft kiss, but he pulled my hair and I honestly thought I was going to end up on the street. My knees actually buckled and leaned into him for strength.
I don’t know if this will go anywhere. I mean, let’s face it folks I’ll probably blow it. But I will say this, tonight I was in the presence of real true Dominant man.

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