Just discovered that Free Open Diary was no more, so here we are. I just need an outlet, a way to express myself without someone saying “just get over it” or “you’re not the only one this has happened to.” I just need to state my issues and work through them I guess, isn’t that how this is supposed to work? I will start with the things that are plaguing me most recently. (Who am I talking to? Not quite sure which tense I should be writing in.)
- The Miscarriage.
We found out we were pregnant the first part of December, but there were issues from jump street. My progesterone levels were too low. Basically an egg had been fertilized but thats it — the egg never developed into an embryo; A lovely term known as “blighted ovum.” So at 7 weeks I had a D&C – that was on December 22. I was sad at first as you might imagine but then I thought I had resolved my feelings and moved on, but that was untrue. I havent resolved anything and I still struggle with my feelings everyday. I feel so many emotions — im angry, im hurt, im resentful, im anxious and all of this has put me in a deep depression. On the outside im functioning, but I feel kind of dead on the inside. I tried to beg, plead and reason with God but it just wasnt in the cards apparently. I feel anger because this was my first pregnancy, because it just simply isnt fair ( we’d be great parents,) because many people have taken the attitude that I should just get over it, after all this happens to plenty of women and so and so is fine now and she’s got x number of healthy beautiful children. I’m hurt because it was the first time and that makes me feel like a failure, like I couldnt get it right, like its totally my fault (I have SLE, im overweight, etc. etc.) I’m hurt because people act like talking about a loss is taboo. Im resentful because ive tried to live my life “the right way” doing everything “by the book.” Im a good girl, went through magnet school, got my college degree, got married — in that order (like good girls are supposed to do, right?) Yet, my 21 and 24 year old cousins are already knocking out their second and third kids and neither of them are married, have any sort of education, career aspirations or ambition in general for that fact. (I know you dont have to have a degree or be a brain surgeon to be a parent, but I live in the bible belt and out of wedlock children are often frowned upon.) Im anxious because what if it happens again? I know that the timelines we place on ourselves and the ideas we have in our heads are what really gets us in trouble and that is really where the pain and discomfort stems from but I feel like at 27 I should have my ducks in a row…
- Life Status.
Which is actually a great segue to my next point. WHY ISNT MY LIFE IN ORDER? I know exactly what I should be doing but its not what im actually doing. Why at 27 years old (and married) am I living in my grandmother’s home instead of my own? Why at 27 years old am I driving my Grandmother’s vehicle instead of my own? (Granted she is in a wheelchair and cannot drive anymore, but thats beside the point) Why can I not find a job? I was employed for 6 years and I allowed my temper and pride to cost me the job (which wasnt a great job, it was actually a toxic working environment, but it did pay the bills.) Why are we such terrible stewards of our money? We spend money we shouldnt and really dont have on things that we shouldnt and really dont need. We have no savings, we live pay check to pay check, we are in debt up to our necks and things dont seem to be improving…
Speaking of necks… my body repulses me. I have always been on the heavier side but I am now at the most heaviest I have ever been. I really want to make changes, to exercise and lose the weight, to cook healthy meals at home and curb our bad eating habits, but its like I dont have the motivation. Or I do well for a period of time and then just fall right back off the band wagon. I know id feel and look better if I were healthier but theres some sort of disconnect in my brain apparently. I get overwhelmed and then I just give up…
I’ve been married for 13 months and its been tumultuous to say the least. Im not unhappy (not exactly) but im also not completely satisfied… although my husband is 9+ years my elder, he sometimes lacks in maturity and judgment. I feel like I have to think for both of us (granted im strong willed and have a strong personality and my husband is more submissive.) I feel like he lacks in ambition and assertiveness and I often have to stay on him to make sure things get accomplished. He has become “comfortable” at his job and by comfortable I mean complacent. I am grateful he is working, never misses a day of work, he has an impressive work ethic, but its a dead end job that doesnt pay enough and the reason he still works there is because those people have become his friends. My husband also has an unnatural attachment to his parents (who are elderly and who do need to be checked on often) but it goes above and beyond that and sometimes he will even put them and their needs above our own. But I guess the most pressing issue I am feeling towards M is that he really have some struggles in the intimacy department. I know that he has a legitimate sexual health issue which comes into play but its like he doesnt do anything to compensate for that shortcoming. I NEVER finish (by him anyway) and I always have to finish myself either with toys or hands or something. He doesnt do foreplay — no fingers, no oral, no nothing. If a pout enough he will fondle my twins for a few seconds and blow in my ear and kiss my neck a little (yippee.) I have told him very explicitly on numerous occasions how I feel and what id like but… nothing ever changes. We are already limited by the health issue and by the fact that we are both heavy set but its even more decimated by his total lack of enthusiasm.
I just want things to start getting better… but I dont even know how to start fixing them.