Second guessing

This texting thing is driving me crazy. I don’t know what the hell he wants from me with this. Am I supposed to be learning something? I think he’s waiting for something from me. I just don’t know what. I hate mind games. Is he waiting for questions. I have questions. I have a ton of them. But I’m not even sure what my place is or would be assuming something progresses. With John I was his slave. That was simple. He wanted to know my fantasies(which even after seven years he doesn’t know half of what Doug does), my thoughts on things he did to me (although it was made clear that my thoughts didn’t sway the action from happening again or not happening again), and my sexual desires. Telling him trivial stuff from my everyday life seemed inconsequential and I didn’t dare ask about his life. As I think I’ve said before I knew he dated but I never knew when or with who unless he offered the information. If he told me he would not be available Saturday night and offered nothing more I never asked. It wasn’t my place. I was his slave. I was there to serve him and unless it pertained to serving him I didn’t need to know.
So now I sit here wondering what he wants from me, wondering if I cross his mind at all during the day. But not knowing, should this continue, what my exact place would be no clue how to respond. Questions? I have a ton of them. From the obvious that I just pointed out, I feel like I’m being interviewed for a job but no clue what the job is so I don’t know how to answer. Does he date his subs/slaves? Does he develop feelings for them? Does he ever have nights of just watching tv and relaxing? With John if I was I was there to be used. Would it be the same with him? and then the normal questions that a slave has no right to know. Is he dating anyone? Is he or has he ever been married? kids? Does he even watch tv? What things does he do for fun? What’s his favorite place to vacation? his favorite food? All these little questions that would help me get to know him and I don’t know if I’m allowed to ask any of them.
On the off chance at some point he does get access to this, which I still have my bet placed that he will forget. I’m guessing he’ll never even see the one day, but on that off chance I went back and read my writings today. I made this blog to help me start a new life without bdsm and 3 entries into it I’m already wanting back. But am I making the right choice. I read something in one of writings that said I had to be careful because if any dominant man came into my life I would kneel. Is that what I’m doing? Looking back now I can see how I turned John into something in my mind. I would write him these babbling emails and he wouldn’t have a clue what I was saying but in my mind he always said just the right thing. Believe me when I say Doug was the epitome of my dream Master last night but am I seeing what I want to see?
I can see me getting pissed and having an attitude soon. I want to back off, not text him. But I can’t. I honestly believe if I stopped texting him I would never hear from him again. At the same time I want to back off I want to text him and say please help me. I have been a slave for twenty years, why am I suddenly feeling like a newbie? I want to run from him but that feeling immediately makes me want to run to him and I’m sure I don’t even cross his mind until he gets a text out of the blue from me. I can see this attitude coming out in me. I keep shoving it back down but I don’t know for how long I can I shove it. That’s another question he said don’t ever lie to him that really makes him mad. he continued that he doesn’t like to punish when he gets mad. John would threaten release on things. Mostly when I couldn’t find the words to talk to him when he asked me questions. Is there anything, aside from the obvious cheating, that would make him just disappear or if this continues ..let me go? See, I’m walking in the field right now and I never know if there is a landmine under my foot.

One thought on “Second guessing”

  1. I know what you’re going through. I’ve been through it too. Forget about him. Find someone who doesn’t make you second guess. You can’t live like that. It’s not fair to you. Someone out there is waiting for you. And they will never make you second guess. You will not be their slave but there equal. I know it will be hard but it will be worth it. You’re going to hurt. It’s only getting you that much closer to your special someone.

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