Things You Shouldn’t do on the Street

I am a cynical person.

During the magical years of which I’ve been living in this shithole called Los Angeles, I’ve seen it all.

Every waking hour of us walking of the Street, we are putting our mental and physical health on stake. I personally have experienced countless incidents that made me faithfully wish I was never ever born. 

After throughout considerations. I decided to recollect those incidents and write a book called Things You Shouldn’t do on he Street

Since Einstein once concluded, “Only two things are infinite are the Universe and human’s stupidity”, you never know what would happen to you. Hopefully these tips will save your life.

Here we go.

Number 1: Don’t make eye contact with ANYONE who looks bored. Especially if it’s a homeless person who looks like he’s on crack or some other shit. Unless you are expecting an hour-long, deep, one-sided conversation that requires you to constantly nod, smile, and not being a dick. Expect if you are, naturally, a dick, or a fantastic bullshiter who have mastered the art of handling any bizarre and miscellaneous conversation possible, or else never even try. Seriously, once they’ve started on “This is how I screwed up my life, and my parent’s life, this is how I blame it on the government blablablablabla”, there will be no stop.

Number 2: Don’t look at ANYONE with flyers in their hands, or potentially have flyers in their pocket, therefore, in essence, everyone. I’m dead serious. I don’t know anything about obesidy problems cute little cats are suffering from, or Jesus Christ, and I don’t ever intend to.

Number 3: Talk about your religion.

Number 4: Talk about other people’s religion.

Number 5: Talk in general.

Those three are pretty self explanatory.

Number 6: Say you know karate, own one or multiple firearms, or occasionally volunteer at a local fight club, in other words, being part of a gang. 

Those are REALLY self explanatory.

Number 7: Mess with a cop without a lawyer’s presence. Thinking you have rights, in general, is a huge misconception. In the lack of presence of a lawyer, from LA City Control Ordinances, to The United States Constitution, are, essentially, guidelines. You just cannot fight the law alone against the Law Enforcement Department. They can easily pull a 160.96-007 on you. That does not exist. I made it up on the spot. But did you feel the fear in your head though.

Number 8: Do not say you want to kill yourself in ANY literal or metaphysical context. Seriously, I don’t care what you want. If you want to do it for real, do it secretly and privately on your own terms. I cannot give less of a shit. There’s a much higher success rate. If you just want the attention, post something on the god damn Internet, or call the National Suicide Prevention hotline. It’s 1-800-273-8255. Again, it’s 1-800-273-8255. I mean business. Don’t say you’re suicidal to random strangers or friends and families, because they’ll call the cops and put you in a mental institute. I’m speaking from experiences, it was devastating. Because after telling the therapist how my father used to violently batter my mother and how my mother in turn used to violently batter me, I really cannot handle one more of those fucking questions sounding like “And how does that make you feel?”

Made me felt like shit. How does hat make me feel.

Number 9: Ride a bicycle. Period.

Number 10: And this is going to save your life – DO NOT single-handedly chase after an adult ha-ski for three consecutive blocks just because you’ve seen it somewhere on a lost dog posting. I did it. It was not rewarding.

Number 11: If you, unfortunately, suffer from OCD, please, please resist to press the button 15 times to cross the street when there is a white female above the age of 35 standing right besides of you. Because I guarantee she will educate the shit out of you. And I mean that in a literal sense. After she passionately lectured you for half an hour and coincidentally, you were in the need of taking a HUGE shit, she would not let that happen. She’ll be like, “No, no, you’re not leaving, I am not done with you yet. I’m only on my 48th contention, I’m onto my 49th, and you are sticking here till the end of the fucking show.”

Leave a Comment: