larry

Larry was my first Master. We met online just like the others. he lived a state away but was always traveling for his job. I would travel and stay with him. He always had these lessons he would try teach me. I remember I would get so frustrated at not knowing anything. Why wouldn’t he tell me what he wanted from me? One time I travel to New York and stayed two days with him. At the time I was working for a hospital and had a ton of work myself so I planned to do my work while he was working. Before he left for work that morning he sat me down at the desk in hotel room with my papers and things. I was given a bottle of water and the tv remote and I was told I wasn’t permitted to move from the chair until he returned. I had everything I needed and the chair had wheels so if I needed more to drink I could get to fridge and get another bottle. But I go not go to the bathroom so I had to be careful how much I drank. I wasn’t in anyway tied to the chair. It was a hotel room so obviously he didn’t have cameras or anything to watch me. But I stayed in that chair. I didn’t understand the point of it. When he returned that evening we talked about my feelings. He said “if I were to tell you to climb on that table and sit frozen in one position all day long would you do it?” Of course I replied that I would. He said, people could come and go all day long and not pay any mind to me while I sat there. Then at the end of the day he just sent me home without using me. He asked how that would make me feel. I told him I would wonder what I did wrong. he replied but that’s just it. you didn’t. you did exactly what you were asked. You were used the way I chose to use you that day.
He disappeared a year into our relationship. He just stopped texting and calling. Someone answered the phone once when I called and said he was sick. After that my calls went unanswered. I knew where he lived, I’d spent weekends with him. But it was obvious he didn’t want to see me so I never went. twelve years later out of the blue I got a facebook message of all things from him. I was in florida on vacation and I see a notice on my phone. It said I can’t believe my baby is 40 today. He talked to me for two more days, never answering why he just disappeared so many years ago, and disappeared again. Six months later he died. He had Als. I never knew. I hated him for many years. I hated the games he played with me. But looking over everything it wasn’t games it was lessons that I still have with me today. Every lesson he taught me is still in my mind. Over the years I found myself wishing I could ask him this or that. Not just the obvious why did you leave me? But questions about myself as I grew into a slave.
Doug reminds me a lot of him. I get so frustrated at trying to see whatever it is I’m supposed to be seeing right now. Maybe I’m just once again thinking to much.
In any case, it’s time to pull myself out the this fantasy. I’m still texting him but I don’t think it’s going to go anywhere. I doubt I’ll ever see him again. But I put myself on a path that I fully intend to see through. So today I sign up to volunteer at survivors and keep looking for jobs that will work with school but still give me enough money to survive. Things are going to be tight for a year and a half until I get my associates but I can do it. My brother made me promise I would see this through. I won’t break that promise to him.

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