should i just stick to writing?

I know drawing is a skill that can only be improved on through practice, but I’m still impatient. My art skills don’t seem to be going anywhere, and I KNOW it’s because I haven’t been “practicing” for very long, but still, I’m frustrated.

Just when I think I’ve been getting a little better, I realize that I’m doing something wrong and have to start over. I spent a long while drawing faces until I realized that the reason they all looked “funny” was because I hadn’t gotten the basic proportions right (the eyes had been too high up, so the forehead was weird and too flat).

And I haven’t even attempted to color anything yet–I know I’d kill even a decent sketch by trying to add color to it.

I write better than I draw, but I can’t find the proper motivation to write anything… I haven’t written anything (besides school essays, of course) in a long time. I feel tremendously guilty for that T_T How can I call myself a “writer” if I don’t write?

Only one week of summer break has gone by, but I already feel anxious and depressed and stressed. There’s not even a particular reason for it. I only have two things to do for school this fall semester: a math packet for calculus and a summer reading/essay project for English. Yet I’m feeling nervous and out of breath, like I’m running out of time… I’m just PANICKING FOR NO REASON. I’m in a weird sort of limbo where I’m constantly tired/exhausted while simultaneously being buzzed with fear and an overwhelming sense of doom/dread/terror/anxiety/whatever. I’m sad and afraid, yet also apathetic and listless. It’s bizarre. Even thinking of dying isn’t… I thought I had gotten better, but apparently I’m just as emotionally disturbed as ever. I’ve always thought about dying; I just wouldn’t want to cause my younger sister any emotional trauma by doing it, or tear another big rift in my family, which is already very split. Sometimes it seems appealing, though. These thoughts are why I hate 13 Reasons Why, which is just capitalizing off the lie that someone who commits suicide just wants revenge on the people around them. I hate that show. I’m sure the actors are lovely, but the show is disgusting, and its fanfiction is even more disgusting and indulgent. The show makes it seem as if suicide, as if killing yourself, makes people miss you? love you? and think of you? As if that’s not the lie that I believed in when I was fourteen and so so so ready to just slit my wrists and be done with it all because I thought that people would miss me, regret ignoring or bullying me, magically feel guilty for my death, remember me as a saint. I had to try so hard to stop believing that, and to remember that even if people realized they loved me, I would still be too fucking dead to feel it or to tell them that I loved them back. And sometimes I still do believe this lie and it’s terrible, because that’s the worst lie to believe in, right after the lie that says that the world would be better off without you in it.

I just hate 13 Reasons, yo. I hate it.

Sooner or later I’m going to have a mental breakdown, a real big one that’ll destroy any bit of emotional stability that I still have, and I’m going to be sent to the hospital and sedated and diagnosed with some emotional/personality/mental disorder. Sometimes I wonder if taking pills would help me. They probably wouldn’t. I’m probably not to be trusted with pills anyway, since my body is weirdly sensitive to any and all forms of chemical stimulation, and even taking the max amount of six Ibuprofen pills a day has made me lose an entire night of sleep and two meals in a row (the box said two pills a time, three times a day… but I can only take one at a time because too many will buzz me up). I can’t even take cold medicine without either feeling dangerously drowsy or stupidly jittery. Good thing I don’t have to rely on coffee to feel awake. One can of soda is capable of making me lose about three hours of sleep. Maybe this is all just because I’m a pretty small person (5’3″ maybe and under 100 lbs) and I don’t ingest a lot of chemicals/sugar/caffeine anyway.

7 thoughts on “should i just stick to writing?”

  1. Age doesn’t matter when it comes to the depressing thoughts. I am sure if I were to find old journals of thoughts I would be in the same realm as now, only younger. I have been on medication for many years and it slows down my thoughts. They don’t race like they did before. I don’t feel as much either. That is a good thing. I still have clarity of the mind and can function in the world (be a mom, go to work, drive, get a good nights sleep). I can tell when I am towards the end of my day. My ability to put up with everything is gone. That is when I am normally quiet – it is better that way. My internal editor is away from her desk, coffee break. I did take one medication which was supposed to help me with anxiety. Instead I slept for 2 days straight. I guess my doctor told me that the only way to battle anxiety is to sleep. I don’t think that is the solution so I quit taking the medicine.

    A good doctor will start low and then go higher if needed on medication. I started at 20 and now I am at 60. However, I have had a hell of a year. Between my children being mistreated and my domestic violence issue, I was a mess. I am getting better. Not great.

    It is good to have an outlet such as drawing or art. Also remember not all art looks lifelike, there are some artists who are known for there non-conventional pieces. You will find your talent, even it is only makes you happy.

  2. First, hon I know how you feel with the depression. There are times I just randomly think about ending my life, but you have so much to live for. With all the classes you are taking you seem like a person who will get places in life and make something of yourself and make a difference. There are times I’m fine and then suddenly the thought comes to my mind even if there are no stressers. I can be in a decently good mood and out of nowhere, “I don’t want to live anymore”. I mean when there are bad things happening to me it gets so much worse to where I randomly plan, but hon, if you need someone to vent to or talk about anything I’ll gladly try help you through it<3
    Yeahhh 13 Reasons Why promotes suicide I think, but I liked the show for the show, but I barely could watch it because so many characters were annoying as hell. xD

    Also, i know how it is with drawing. TRUST ME. I am so impatient with it and I just stopped doing it because I can't instantly be good at it. I draw every now and then and it's semi good because all the practicing I HAD done, but if you don't keep it up…you lose it. ugh. I envy my friend in the UK. IndiWolfOnline. You should check her out on Deviantart.com I met her when she was just starting out and she has come SOOOOO Far. But of course…they end school at 16 so she had years and plenty of time to practice and keep changing her styles. I wish I had that. Now she makes money just doing art. Luckyyyy.
    And, you can be a writer if you don't always write. As long as you jot down some things here and there… maybe think of a future story/novel and take your time writing out characters and a plot. I do that, but I get writes block so easy I get through the middle of it, don't know where to go with it, quit, come back and forget what the hell was going on. xD I have fan fics I still need to get done.
    But if you would like to talk sometime to just vent, chat or get your mind off things I will gladly help you out 🙂

  3. A lot of the time drawing skills don’t seem like they improve. Trust me, I’ve been there, but also trust me in saying they do improve. While drawing, you are constantly improving, sometimes without even knowing; you start to understand and learn different techniques and shapes. Although do not ever start over something. My art teacher tells me this a lot and sometimes I can’t stop myself and I do start over, but if you can, just try to use your mistake in your favour. If the final product isn’t what you want, learn from it and keep it, cause it’s always motivating to look back and see how far you got in the future. Patience, my friend! I know you say you’re impatient, but know that in the end it’s worth it, and try to enjoy it more than worry about the final product! It’s a hard thing to do, but it’s much more fun when you only think of what you’re drawing currently, than how it’ll turn out.

  4. Why do you draw? Do you like the process of drawing? Practicing is tedious, as it is a series of failing and improving a little, then failing again. But you should at least have some fun an motivation out of it. If you only force yourself to draw in the prospect of maybe one day being really good at it, I’m not sure if drawing is what you really want to do.
    When I was younger I was constantly practicing to get as good as my sister. I can do decent sketches of things like scissors or forks or apples, but when it comes to animals or people, it became evident, that I had no talent for drawing. I had patience and diligence, but I lacked a certain something. Maybe I am also too much of a perfectionist. Looking back, my sketches were pretty boring, only an exact depiction of what I had seen. There was no life in them. And I’ve never had real fun drawing them. I’ve found that I am far more entertained by things I have a basic talent for, even when they still require hours of practicing (like playing the flute, for example). Bottom line, it’s up to you to decide, but you shouldn’t stick to a hobby if it’s all frustration. It should be part frustration (because that’s just natural with all things requiring skill) and part fun. 😉

  5. Oh, and by the way, I totally agree with your view on 13 Reasons Why. I couldn’t even add anything to it, you’ve said it all.

  6. Hi..
    Just so you feel a bit better..I love to draww but I suck at it. I got better but I never get the hang of nose’s shape..I practiced a lot, the shapes of nose but when I draw a face, It is never matching to it. so, I was tired of it and tho’t I should draw something that doesn’t involve human nose. So, I drew a horse but the end result was the face of a Donkey. It was so funny,even I was laughing..
    And you know I can feel you about the anxiety of passing holidays. Its been a week that college closed and I dont even have any homework but it feels like I am wasting time and I had to do something which i am not doing. Idk why but may be we just need to relax. 🙂
    Wish you well,Pretty!

  7. You won’t end up in a hospital *shakes head* you’re too aware of yourself to ever be sent to a hospital trust me…and I’ve never seen this 13 reasons things but it sounds bad whatever it is! When I first wanted to die at 14 years it was because I had enough and didn’t think anyone would miss me, I just felt so pointless and broken…certainly not because I thought people would miss me! Quite the opposite.

    I think you should carry on drawing and writing…I know that is the most unhelpful sentence ever but I think you should carry on with it please! 🙂 I do both drawing and writing. I often hate what I wrote or drew but it gives me a great sense of release and I concentrate my mind on creating something new rather than being taunted by bad thoughts. I both write and draw to release emotions and over the years I just have gotten naturally better as I keep going. I think you need a reason to draw besides to be good if you see what I mean? Because I improved as I wasn’t concentrating on being good I was doing it for self expression and as the years passed I got better.

    Never self-medicate yourself either…I don’t think you would anyway but it def not a good idea!!

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