What’s Next?

I gave my notice tonight for my job.  Effective June 10, 2017 I will be homeless and unemployed.  All of the items I own will be in a storage unit and in my car – well a portion will be in an open shed while I wait on my divorce.  The only known address will be my P O Box in Livingston TX.  Hopefully, I will get some type of compensation from the Crime Victim Compensation Act – that would be nice.  I think I will have to probably get a P O Box in what ever city I land in using the motel, or something as a local address.  I don’t think parking a car on the side of the road serves as a permanent address. 

I am insane to move forward with this plan.  I could done one of two options.  Stay at my job, get a crappy trailer and try to make it on minimal pay on my own.  My only hope would be to find someone to share bills with me and eventually find a better job.  I will have sunk all of the money I saved into a deposit which a slumlord will never give back (not to mention all of the deposits for electric and water..and…and…)  By the end of the setup I would be flat ass broke.

Or, move to Fort Worth, Texas.   put everything in storage, get basics to fit in my car and start driving.  Rays Truck is a bit bigger, but it uses a lot of gas.  I need to save on gas too.  I still have 9 days until I have to leave.  Something may happen in that timeframe where I get a job interview or a place to land which won’t cost me the minimum of 40 a night.  What is bad is it is not only me.  I would sleep in my car and save money, wash in the truck stops like the rest of the transients.  I have 3 kids to think about.  I can’t do that.  I won’t subject them to such abject poverty.  they have already been through so much.  All they need is the knowledge that we are homeless, broke and starving.

I am upset that I have done so much, but done so little.  I am scared of what lies ahead.  I have high hopes of a good job, safe place, no car issues, etc.  I can only walk by faith that all will be well down the road.  I can’t rely on anyone person.  The kids can only rely on me.  I am not as confident as I look at times.  They have full faith in me, I could ruin the family.  I have to do well though.  The only people they have to go to are deviants.  My parents don’t care at all about our safety or where we are at.   when I move I am not telling them.  I will just leave.  I know I have the will to do what I have to for my kids best interest.  I am educated, have a good resume and have faith that God will hold my hand.  On my own it will be scary.  I will call people tomorrow and see my best options.

G has been through so much, he saw his father , J, disappear and never come back.  A once loving father was taken away and never seen again.  I saw him a few times, he is now about to get out and be free after 5 years, if he is approved.  How was I to explain to my son about what happened.  The truth hurts, and there are tendencies in the family that are hereditary.  It hurts me to see some of the same characteristics in my son even though he has never been exposed to the family.  I don’t want to make him out to be what he is not.  He is going to need a lot of counseling – I can get it where I am going.

Z is the confirmed victim, that is why R is in jail.  What type of sentence will he get?  Time served?  A harsh sentence?  Will he even make it to trial because of health issues?  Z has a lot going on in her head.  She is processing so much.  It is tough being poor.  I know the feeling of being judged based on what you wear or where you live.  I want to shield her from the prying eyes and snide remarks.  We are more than our bank account and address.   I am trying to be as nurturing as possible with Z, I have to juggle 3 people and make sure that they don’t feel left out – without making them assume that they are broken.   Z barely knew her dad, not enough memories there to draw on.  She still knows what happened though.

E has never met her dad, J.  She may never meet him.  I am still upset about the whole situation.  I carried her to a court date in North Texas and had her prematurely.  She saved me from whatever the DA had in store for me.  I could easily be where J is sitting (or sleeping seeing how it is 2:20 a.m.)  E will need counseling, she has a lot of attachment issues.  I think she is afraid I am going to disappear too.

That won’t happen if I can help it.  Life is to precarious, I want what is best for them all.

I don’t want to be a burden on anyone at this time.  I can suck up my pride and ask.  I know a lot of people don’t want to get involved at all.  I understand.  I am a massive train wreck.  I always have been.  I lived apart of a 19 year lie married to a closet sex offender.  Then I returned home, head held high, to be smacked down by my parents for not doing good enough.  So I marry again and this time my daughter is damaged in the process, maybe both of them.  That is two strikes.

So I go back up north after leaving a decade ago.  People who knew me then will see a different person?  I am over 40, 3 kids, homeless and quit a good job.  Yeah, I am pretty damn smart.  So much for my college education.  I think it was mental hype to make myself think I can really do this.  But am I looking at another pipe dream.  I thought I had it this past two years and all I got was the crap beat out of me with wounded children.  So much for great decisions.

A part of me doesn’t want anyone to know me in an area so I can’t be another failure.   The support system would be helpful – I need to learn how to ask for help.  I need to learn to put away that fear of failing.  I have been so blessed in the past few months.  Great people, helpful lessons of loss and major stupidity.   Ten years from now I will look on this situation and be amazed I lived through it.  It is still the current time.  Ten years from now I will be in my 50’s, kids all teenagers and that would real bad if I made another bad mistake.  I don’t think a red button exists a third time.

I am afraid.  A good friend said that if I am not afraid, I am not doing it right.  I am not taking a risk.  I guess I could take the safe road.  But I would feel more a failure.  Either way I don’t know what is ahead of me.   I pray daily for our future.

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