So I have missed some days of rating how I feel. Mostly due to being at a 2 or 3 on how I felt. Detox is hard and it takes time – for me, two weeks at least. Add that with stress about money, work, school…and I always feel anxious or depressed anyways. Pair that with the insomnia and the eating disorder and my kidney issues and you end up with someone who only does what they have to do during the day and nothing more. I pull back and shut down and I don’t want to talk or share about what’s going on with me. It’s hard to admit I’d rather start drinking again then finish the detox because drinking makes the detox stop for the moment. I don’t have the luxury of going to a rehab center like my mom wants me to do. I don’t have the time or the money and I wouldn’t stay because I don’t like being confined; being in the hospital for a day was bad enough and I also don’t think it’s a realistic way to get it stay sober. Of course I won’t drink if I can’t get it but what does that prove? If you force me I’ll stop? That’s not real life. I plan to pick up where I left off with this but that’s my explanation as to where I have been.
My name is Jessica and I work as a CNA. I am 32, married with no children and we have four cats. We have been married for eight years but together for much longer. I am currently in school for my masters degree as an MFT and only have about a year left. I am also a struggling alcoholic which is why I wanted to start this journal in the first place to see if it would help with my sobriety.