In the middle of it

So she’s a girl that would love a big romantic gesture… for someone to sweep her off her feet.. and even though she doesn’t believe it that anymore. Well my disbelief in her words is right there. I feel like Ted trying to steal the blue french horn but have serious reservations. So if I did, what then? Am I overthinking, I think not.

So those reservations… i could never give her what she wants. A family in the traditional sense. Even the idea of marriage, well I don’t agree. My thinking is so pragmatic…. and maybe bitterly hopeful… despite those things… Love … the ever elusive idea… perpeutuated to everyone via the form of media, family and friends… could I love her? Yes, I could. An unconditional love… one that never wants to see her frown and will always try to make her smile both inside and out. That’s not even unconditional… it’s some overly simplified, childish view of love…. but i suppose that’s what I want it to be thus strive for it to be. Simple and incorruptable. But that’s not reality. Is it? The fact is despite my skewed view on love, it may never suffice for other desires. Though a good base… without accomadating the complexities of reality… it is nothing more than.. never to evolve into anything but a fantasy.

Then there is another focus… could I accept love? Whatever that person may think it to be? Will I dismiss it? Push it away? Make it my enemy? Why you ask? Because I don’t trust it… I don’t trust it to last… I don’t trust it to be true… it’s conditional… dependent on the environment that brought it about… if those change, it will be gone. And thus the futile view of it emereges.

I don’t know what to think or what to feel? I know what I desire and what doesn’t make sense. And those to contradict each other. Maybe the questions is a fallacy. How can one know what to think or what to feel… there is no set path… but knowning or believing it to be set, will lead you to it and not be knowing or not believing will inevitably lead you astray…

lost.. that’s what I feel.. that’s what I think… and that’s the only thing that makes sense.

Maybe it’s too late for me… and though I am misguided in my intention… I can be a guide… of what not to become… of how not lose yourself… of how to hang on to hope. To be there for a friend…  despite any anguish… not to lead you where to go but ward you from where I am… lost.

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