06/04/17 – State of mind: buzzed.
I’ve been through this before… it’s just an exercise that I have to go through to get back to zero… right?
I can’t stop thinking about you. All I want to do is be with you… hold you in my arms… kiss your neck… and hold you close. Let out this big sigh of relief that we’re together and just enjoy.
In that theatre that day, I couldnt help but glance at your legs… and just imagined running my hand up them.. slowly and then firmly grasping your thighs and a firm squeeze… and look into your eyes. But that didn’t happen and for good reason. As much as my heart desires, it doesn’t make sense. I said before to myself that when my heart and logic make sense I’ll know it’s right. But it’s not aligned.
So why do I even question it further? We want different things.. you to get married, have kids, and have a family. Me, I have most of my family… it’s just missing one piece… or is it. Still I could never ask you to give up what you want… and I suppose you could never ask me to do the same and that should end it. There should be no more questions. No more hope. Yet…. I suppose I’m trying to make sense of it and thus… we should be together. Is this insanity? There are days… where I just hope that you’ll text me. Contact me. Let me know that you want to talk to me. But what is that really? Such a small gesture… it’s just friendship but I misconstrue it as something more. I suppose that’s what happens when you have a lack of openness with anyone except one person. But that’s the thing.. you’re the exception… the one that will open my eyes.. save me.. from myself.
How selfish is that…. it’s a lot to ask for. It’s impossible to oblige. Things have to develop naturally… its impossible to dive into the deep end without knowing how to swim. It is in fact suicide. It would tear you apart because well I’m impossible… and have never believed I should be loved. I’m better at pushing people away… its ironically a strength… keeping people at arms length… it’s unspoken… and accepted. No one is that patient or loving enough to break that barrier. Nor does anyone that patient or loving deserve to be with somoene that puts up that wall.
That is what make sense to me. Despite my momentary lapses… that is my truth. And after realizing that… there is no further point in being open…. … … yet I still don’t know if i’m just trying to convince myself. Reaffirm some ideas that I’ve always held and I go back to my first thought… it’s just an exercise for me to get back to zero.