I weighed myself today, and this is the heaviest I have ever been. I am trying to write this diary because I think that I need a way to get all this stuff out. I’m not really sure what’s wrong with me. I feel like I’ve lost my ability to control myself. I don’t know if it’s the birth control or stress or something deeper, I feel like I can’t lose this weight no matter what I do. In all honesty, I haven’t tried my hardest, so that’s what I’m going to do, but everyday I just hate myself a little bit more for not getting it together. I think I’ve gained 20 pounds since December, that’s six months. I can’t keep gaining weight like this or I won’t be able to function. I feel like I can barely function now. I’m hot all the time, I am out of breath just walking around, and I am always uncomfortable.
I know I need to see a doctor, but I can’t afford it. That is the part that I hate the most. I know something is wrong, but I can’t do much about it. Well, I think the truth is I can. I just feel like I can only handle one hard thing at a time, which makes me nervous for my future. I get in to this spiral where I start thinking, if I can’t do this, how am I going to handle medical school, and if I look like this, why would anyone accept me to medical school, and if I don’t get in, how am I going to be able to live?
And then there’s the running list of all the things I need to do all of the time. I suck at prioritizing.
I feel like I’m being so down on myself but it’s not hard. I feel like in so many ways, my life would be so much better if I could get my weight down. Like if I could just manage that one thing, then everything else would fall in to place too. I know it’s a stupid way to think, but I can’t help it. I think of who I was, what I used to look like and I realize I am so far removed from there. I don’t know how to get back.