246.5

I weighed myself today, and this is the heaviest I have ever been.  I am trying to write this diary because I think that I need a way to get all this stuff out.  I’m not really sure what’s wrong with me.  I feel like I’ve lost my ability to control myself.  I don’t know if it’s the birth control  or stress or something deeper, I feel like I can’t lose this weight no matter what I do.  In all honesty, I haven’t tried my hardest, so that’s what I’m going to do, but everyday I just hate myself a little bit more for not getting it together.  I think I’ve gained 20 pounds since December, that’s six months.  I can’t keep gaining weight like this or I won’t be able to function.  I feel like I can barely function now.  I’m hot all the time, I am out of breath just walking around, and I am always uncomfortable.  

I know I need to see a doctor, but I can’t afford it.  That is the part that I hate the most.  I know something is wrong, but I can’t do much about it.  Well, I think the truth is I can.  I just feel like I can only handle one hard thing at a time, which makes me nervous for my future.  I get in to this spiral where I start thinking, if I can’t do this, how am I going to handle medical school, and if I look like this, why would anyone accept me to medical school, and if I don’t get in, how am I going to be able to live?

And then there’s the running list of all the things I need to do all of the time. I suck at prioritizing.  

I feel like I’m being so down on myself but it’s not hard.  I feel like in so many ways, my life would be so much better if I could get my weight down.  Like if I could just manage that one thing, then everything else would fall in to place too.  I know it’s a stupid way to think, but I can’t help it.  I think of who I was, what I used to look like and I realize I am so far removed from there.  I don’t know how to get back.  

One thought on “246.5”

  1. I feel like in so many ways, my life would be so much better if I could get my weight down. Like if I could just manage that one thing, then everything else would fall in to place too.

    This really resonated with me. I feel down too. I’ve decided to start small and change ONE thing everyday. Tomorrow is eggs instead of banana bread for breakfast. Good luck. It’s so hard 🙁 I feel like days turn into weeks and weeks into months and before you know it time has passed and I keep getting heavier. One day at a time.

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