18. Midnight Rambling

Well, after the last two shifts at the Lizard, and working Qdoba, I’ve come to realize I have no desire to work in food anymore. So, I’m letting the lizard go, and just dedicating my extra time to finding a good job, studying for my certification, and figuring what the hell is the hold up with getting my completely registered for school. It’s time to really start doing the things that I want, and need too, to get to the places I want to be. Settling for mediocre jobs, not dedicating time to my “dreams”, to further my self for the things I want, I’ll be stuck in the vicious cycle.

                              It has to stop.

From this point on out, one hours of studying a night, a work out before bed in the minimum, and taking care of my self, all fall under step 1. Step 2, is looking for a new job, I’m going to add, I wouldn’t might being a server, or a bartender in a restaurant, but actually being in the kitchen, I just cant do anymore. IT literally gives me anxiety because I’m so burnt out. Which I didn’t even realize, until Sunday night when I went to go for my shift at the Lizard, and I just couldn’t bring my self to walk in, to look at food, or simply be in a kitchen.

Warehouse work is where I’m headed, there’s a lot of places in the area hiring for warehouse work, paying a lot more then I currently do, benefits are better, and most of them are Monday through Friday, set hours. With the option of over time on the weekends IF I want it. In the long run it’ll be best, for my self, for my dogs, for my future. I’m neglecting my dogs because my work schedules is a mix of shifts. So half the time, if I sleep, its partly during the day, then the next day, I’m sleeping at night, then in the middle of the day. Their eating schedule is all messed up, and I cant walk them or get them to the park as much as I like.

Walking the dogs in my neighborhood after, or during certain times, in not an option. I like my life, my dog life, and I would rather not be shot because someone wants my sneakers, or my dogs for that matter. Everyone wants Pitts around here, and the fact I have two, females, that are gorgeous at that, its just…not safe.

 

I’m not saying I was a routine, but some sort of discipline in my life would be great. In order to do that, for now I need to start with a routine, and a mighty strict one, until I form the habits I would like to. Seeing as I have broken ever good habit I have ever had. Eating right, working out, studying, good mental vibe, running and walking the dogs, keeping the house clean, getting my hair cut regularly like I like. I know this is a process of putting my self back together. Although I know it’s a slow process, I’m glad I’m beginning to realize the things I want, and need to do for my self.

 

 

Well as we all know, I have been spending time with Ann, last night she got back from Youngstown, and she asked me to come over…………………………..and stay the night. Obviously, I did. After not working the first I was suppose to at the lizard,  I came back home and napped for a little while.

                                                      Yes, I actually slept for 2 hours.

After packing a few things for the night, I needed to shower, I picked up Chinese, and headed to her apartment. During dinner and our movie, she dropped the bomb she was more then expecting se, along with the fact, as of right now she has the idea of us moving back in together in 11 months when her lease is up. First, I dropped my fork at her sex comment, I wasn’t expecting sex again….so soon? The comment about us living together again just lit my heart up.

                                            Sometimes the depth of my love for this woman, seems impossible.

                                                How can I feel so strongly for someone.

If only there were words to accurately describe how it feels. I could literally stare at her for hours, and my heart skips a beat, without her even doing anything. She makes my heart race at every moment you think your heart should race when you truly love them, she calms me, at the same time. Like…my heart will literally be beating out of my chest simply because she’s laying on me, or when she plays with my hair while I lay on her lap, but in that same instance, I’m utterly calm, and comfortable.

                 She feels like home.

                                            She is home. 

This feelings, is really what allows that saying,  “home” is not a place, but a feeling.”, to set it, and understood.

This brings to mind, we were walking through Wal-Mart, through the kids toys, and she randomly goes, “so which toys should we buy, boys? or girls?” I looked over at her, puzzled, just to realize she was poking her tummy out like she was pregnant, and wrapped her arm in my arm. It was cute, but depressing. Which is what I told her, naturally she asked why. So I explained because she really wasn’t pregnant, and I would really like to have children with her. Depressing, because for us, it isn’t just going to be a surprise one day, it has to be planned, a Dr. has to be involved. I’m never going to get the new father excitement one day after work one day. It kills me. I don’t want to wait any longer, I want kids, I want a family. I wish this hadn’t happened the way they have. It’ll be another year at least before we live together, let alone speak of actually having kids again.

                                           Well, I really ruined my mood of writing bringing that subject up. Kids are a real, real soft spot for me.

 

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