Tuesday June 6

My date didn’t work out last night. I don’t really give a shit. He texted about how long it would take him to get there, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. He had already pissed me off by that point by texting “hello?” to me. Goddam that makes me mad. He hasn’t even met me yet and he sends me that shit because I don’t respond immediately??? Fuck that. A hello text pisses me off from someone I do know, so from someone I haven’t even met? Hell to the no. He asked if we could reschedule for Wednesday- I said I have plans. He said Friday? I said yes, but I forgot I’m supposed to chaperone prom. He is leaving for India for 3 weeks this weekend. Oh well. 

I just saw a picture of Brent of FB and it made me sick. It was him at a Mexican restaurant doing a shot, I’m assuming from last night for his birthday. I wish it made him sick when he would see me on FB. It is a horrible feeling- that sick at your stomach feeling when you see someone you love but they don’t want you- when you see them having fun (supposedly having fun, I guess) and living their life without you. Loving someone and wanting to be with someone that doesn’t want you back is the worst feeling in the world. I wish I had no feelings, or that I could have my memory wiped. That would be amazing. In Carrie Fisher’s book, she talked about how shock treatments mess up your memory- that makes me all for it- except I think it’s really random what you forget. I want to forget my nightmare childhood and pretty much everyone I’ve ever dated. I would like to forget Craig and Brent for sure.

I feel like a fat cow. I need to lose a minimum of 10 pounds to be decent. My pants are too tight. I look so much better at that weight. I just have too small a frame to carry any weight on me. Deedra said she weighed 175 at one point! I honestly couldn’t tell. I would be ROUND at that weight. I have no patience for being hungry. I have got to tough it out for a couple of days until I get used to eating less. I ordered some of those Atkins shakes that I used to drink. I have to get my shit back in line. No more chick fil a. No more Applebees and beer. It has to stop. I got my weight back below 130, and now I’ve let it creep right back up. If I lose this weight- 20 pounds would actually be better, but I really don’t see that happening- get my surgery this summer, and keep exercising to be more to be more toned. I cannot expect to get good looking men to be interested in me if I’m a fat slob. I have the old strike against me, that already puts me down one, I have to bring my A game to counteract that fact that I cannot change. 

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