Let me start out by stating the obvious…it’s 1:55am and I’m writing instead of drowning in my dark eyelids. Today, (at this moment in time) marks day 11 of only 3 to 3.5hrs of sleep each night. I feel so wide awake and yet so drained and tired, I want to melt in my bed. One of my wonderful perks of my wonderous Borderline Personality. My mind races so fast of everything, from something so minute to something so catastrafic, like a street race of nothing but lights blurring together so much you can’t make them out. What’s bothering me? Well everything and yet nothing. My anxiety has been through the roof over what, I have no clue. My conspiracy levels are off the chart to the point of destruction, and my old habited chaotic life is wanting to break through. I fear it and scream for it. The adventure, adrenaline, lust, and no pain. I completely shut down, which I feel would be the best thing for me. I have been raging more lately, letting go and getting closer to reckless. The idea of me having a problem that goes from a flick of a switch is not only hard to control but…Nope, nothing. That is what is missing, is the control. I hurt to feel,…but only on my terms, when I say, and how much of it. I guess it is the pain that can either tear you down or pull you up.