My Greatest Mistake

I still think about you, but you’re fading. A year later, I’ve finally accepted that everything you said to me was a lie. I still keep your messages and I am still amazed by how beautifully they were composed and how you poured your heart out to me. I fell for it all and fell hard for you. You took advantage of my fragile state and vulnerability and promised to love me, take care of me, and to grant my every wish. You filled me up with everything I needed to hear and S wooped in like Superman to save me. You even fabricated a wonderful life for us. You knew of all my discontented voids so, you molded yourself into the man of dreams.  I opened up to you despite my shaky marriage and I felt safe and I trusted you. You swept me of my feet with the biggest broom I’d ever seen and I fell head over heels, madly, desperately in love with you. The magic between us was like electricity and our connection was incomparable. We had met before as kids, sealing our fate with a first kiss in a playground tunnel and I knew in my heart that we would find each other again. 
After nine months and in the blink of an eye, you were gone again, quickly diverting your attention to another woman and blaming me because of it. I know she’s not what you want, but still, you settle. You yourself even admitted that to me after being with her, still confessing your undying love for me and proving it through your subtle taunts and actions on social media. For nearly a year you did this. Still, you continued to pretend that you had moved on with her with your fake happiness, lavish vacations with your girls and hers, acting like the perfect man and father figure all over social media. Not giving a damn who it would hurt. What kind of cruel joke are you? You left me to sort through the emotional turmoil I had in my heart and to pick up the broken pieces of my life. You cruelly made me suffer for it and conned me. I had to fight through the worst depression of my life and I had to start over to make things right. I have repaired my marriage and we’ve actually grown closer…miraculously, we survived. Like I told you, loving two people is a hell I don’t wish on anyone. Why did you creep back into my life and why did I want you there? I’ll never know and now I wish I never had. I ached for you in the pit of my stomach like a lose I had never felt before because I loved you so much or so I thought. How can you truly love someone and treat them that way? She told me you said you never loved me and I believe that. You don’t even love yourself, how could you have or anyone else? And still, after all, you put me through a year later, I am writing to you again. You used me, lied to me, and then threw me away. You are fading, but the scar still remains. I hope you feel the pain that I have suffered, but I know you don’t. You’ve moved on to a new life-looking back at me like a stepping stone. The truth is though, you will never be happy. You will never be satisfied. You pulled out when the reality set in and preyed on another victim to feed your ego. You are not strong enough for me and you ran because you knew it too. You can love me from afar, but you will never be man enough to really love me or deserve me. You opened up a fierce love and fire in my heart, but you’re a coward for leaving me to suffer. I almost gave up everything…for you. I will never let you back in. You killed my spirit and filled me with regret. I have world of judgement on myself and a perpetual remorse fills my veins. I realized that the man for me was right in front of me the whole time- still loving me despite my wrongs, fighting for me, and is sharing life with me…truly. I was too selfish to see it then, but now, nothing has ever been more clear. I will never cross that boundary again. It was a mistake and I paid for it. You were a lesson-A life lesson that I will never forget, a painful reminder of my misjudgment, selfishness, and disillusionment. I wish I could hate you, but I forgive you only because now, I’m in control and you will no longer toy with my emotions or bring me pain. I’m finally free and I will never take that deceptive path with you or anyone ever again. Thank you for giving me clarity, strength, and for changing my life despite the pain you created. You will always be my greatest mistake and a painful love I wish I could forget. 

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