ahh shit

i need to do better. but i’m such a hesitant control freak it’s hard to make myself even type i WILL do better. i’ll do better. i’ve been so in my own head, swimming in my own depression, that i’ve just been waiting on life to pass by.

i can’t do that. i don’t want to be that person.

for me or my guy.

earlier tonight i looked around my room and thought ‘this place looks like my emotions’ so i started cleaning junk out. and it’s really just junk but i still have some trouble throwing some things away. i cling too hard to things i don’t care about because i might need it one day. so okay, fine. i’ll just start round 2 when i finish round one. that’s how it usually goes with me. get the most noticeable things done first, then the next noticeable and so on.

the past year has been exhaustion and pain piling up on me, and me trying to ignore it, until my grandmother’s idea of being helpful made me break down sobbing. she didn’t understand and it took a while to make her understand. ‘do i need to call your mother? you’re overreacting. we need to take you back to see somebody’ etc etc.

and that made me finally give some voice to my paranoia about his silence and that turned into a mess too. and i think things will be okay but i’m not sure. but maybe.

and honestly, if he were just being selfish and going out lying to other women to get laid, things would be different. it wouldn’t have been my first or second or probably 4th rodeo. he’s got his own issues he was trying to deal with himself and i do get that. i do. i just turn to food. it’s not that different in my eyes.

but after a while, the fact that he chose ‘someone like me’ to talk to made me smile. dork.

but i think everything’s okay

i hope everything’s okay

for now i think it is

i’m tired. i can finally stop babysitting dogs. and it’s time to stop sitting online because it’s easier to ignore the world and my own brain and my apathy is so deep set that i know it’s going to be hard. because even going for a calm walk is just so haaaaard, everything is haaaaard, oh my godddddd. like that. whiney and manipulating.

god why am i so stubborn

i don’t want to be so shut off with the world and spiritually. i feel empty in my soul.

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