Brother’s Graduation, body confidence, and Summer Depression.

My brother’s Graduation is coming up and I keep having these thoughts about finding the “Perfect dress,” one that will fit me regardless of the fact that I haven’t exercised properly and regardless of the fact that I ate a jar of chocolate ice cream by myself in the past week(Eating more right now), the one’s meant for a family and not a single person. I eat when I’m sad or upset or angry. Or when I feel like crying but I’m too ashamed for my family to see my after-cry face where my eyes are abnormally puffy and occasionally I have polka dot like bruises that surround my eyes from crying so hard, making me look like a cheetah.

I’m depressed, maybe because of finals, but mostly because of summer vacation.

I have too much time to think, never had or will get therapy, and I’m on my own with my thoughts for the entire summer vacation without having to do homework assignments. This happens every summer, and ends right before fall, without warning. The depression strikes, sometimes varying from suicidal to mildly depressed, which fades in a few hours after it starts during the day. I really don’t get it and I can’t seem to prevent it. I recently joined Instagram because a friend I have known since Elementary school asked me to.

I sometimes think she has something against me. Recently I told her how much I loved to exercise, and she gave a response that sounded a bit bitchy. She just proudly said, “Yeah, well, I don’t need it since I’m thin.”

I was a bit insulted. Though she’s a good person on one side, turn her around and you get the entire 360 degree view of her chameleon-like personality and that cheery facade she uses to suck up to her friends parents in order to gain some sort of good reputation. She’s smart, I’ll give her that. If I wanted to be a bitch behind someone’s back, better do it smartly and have a good reputation so no one agrees with what anyone else says about you, unless it’s something you say about yourself.

Recently she posted a picture of her and another girl captioned “fun at the beach with_____.”

and, “Thanks for the good time _____.”

Not as if I care so much to be hurt, but I cared enough to notice. No one mentioned a beach get-together, but maybe she went with them instead of inviting people, I don’t know anymore.

Meanwhile, my other friend decided she’s transgender and now she smokes God knows what and posts that on Instagram, so every few pics I browse up, she’s got something related to her smoking habits.

Both my smoker friend and the slightly bitchy one hate each-other ever since more than a few years back when they fought over me. It’s nice to be the one fought over and not the one everyone ignores, to be honest.Not that being fought over is a good thing.

I don’t know what to post on Instagram, and it’s a private page for friends. A guy friend of mine says it’s for bragging rights, so I’ve only posted pictures of the ice cream I love to eat when I’m angry.

The dress for my brother’s graduation is what I hope to post next, though I still have  a few weeks until then. I wanted to get a modest or classy body-con(I think that’s what they call them) dress, something skin tight but in a more modest way. Something with pastel colors possibly. The slightly bitchy friend is always claiming I never wear dresses(which I do), how much of a hermit I am and how I don’t act like a teenager at all(she obviously doesn’t know me). I fail at a lot of things in her mind. She’s always trying to teach me how to be a teenager, however that works, I’m really not sure. All I know is I can’t wait until I’m an adult, which isn’t long from now, and she’s trying to teach me how to be more adult-like. I really want to see how that turns out.

Not to mention insulting my hair since it’s curly and calling it “uncivilized.”Yeah I get that most of the time when they see me, my hair is not brushed, and it’s pretty wild looking. Sort of like a tumble weed, it also denies gravity. However, I can proudly say I love my hair as it is, even if I used to hate it.

And my smoking friend sometimes whispers how I’m “still fat”. I can say I look awesome in a dress, especially a clingy one, something she wouldn’t dare touch. I have to be confident in my body since it’s all I have.

 

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