Small

7 billion people, out of 7 billion I will only truly matter to about ten at a time, and the same with me, I’ll only ever view around ten people as more than extras in the background of my ‘story’. It’s weird how a number so infinitesimally small can be so infinitely big to me. It’s like being so absolutely insignificant has made things so amazingly important. Things that will have no effect on the future of the universe on any comparative scale, are the most important and vital things in my puny human life, not the impending end to the universe or explosively large cosmic events, it’s so intriguing. Despite my human nature convincing me to deny the possibility of ever not existing I still can’t comprehend the importance of things that will truly change the state of our galaxy because I care too much about things that are going to happen closer to the present. Isn’t it amazing that I am more concerned with how you feel than the possibility of human extinction by a rogue comet? Poetic that your beauty is more transfixing than the andromeda galaxy? Truth is I’m not philosophically wise enough to make those judgements, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like you are so so so big, huge, absolutely spectacularly massive. Bigger than a black hole 30 billion light years away that’s millions of times larger than our sun. I think that is the most amazing and beautiful thing about being human, about being me, that I can care about you so much . That’s what I meant when I said you’re big.

Of course then I could only explain it as being lost for words but really I was thinking this. You are the most important thing in my life, the beacon of light, hope and joy which kept me going through all the doubt and pain and I love you more than anything. All I want in the world is to make you happy, to spend my time by your side and not go one second without you knowing I’ll always be there for you.

 

 

So yeah I’m dating the girl I love and I feel the happiest I’ve felt in four years. She makes me walk with a spring in my step and a smile in my heart, I really do lover her to bits and she seems to not mind me either. I’m at the point where I can safely say that maybe I’m not as bad as I thought I was, sure I’m far from perfect but I’m content with being me, for the first time in too long I think that maybe I’m not a complete fuck up, and it’s all thanks to her. So I guess I can put happy things in my journal now, how nice is that?

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