I didn’t want to consume a single drop of alcohol tonight! Unfortunately, I did. But, hey I’m celebrating. I’m celebrating what hopefully will be my last night of consuming the evil beverage that put me into a situation that I never wanted to be in.
You see, I did some things that I’m not very proud of. I did some things that I never would have done had I not drink alcohol. Because of that, I most likely lost three people that I love very much.
I won’t go into every detail, but I’ll try to give a brief back drop!
My Girlfriend didn’t like the person that I was when I got drunk! I promised Her that I’d no longer consume alcohol at home and that I would no longer drink alcohol near or around Her! I kept that promise to Her for for 4 months.
On a recent Saturday Night, we went to a bonfire together and I decided to drink. I thought “I can drink, nothing bad is going to happen.” Let’s just say that something bad did happen! Some things happened that NEVER would have happened had I not decided to drink!
I let my Girlfriend down, I let Her Family (whom I absolutely adore) down, I let myself down and I REALLY Fucked up! Im also absolutely in Love with my Girlfriend’s two Boy’s! I love them as my very own! I’m not sure that there’s any way to ever get back from how badly I fucked up! I’ll try, but right now I’m not very optimistic! I don’t even know where to start! Quitting drinking would be a good start! Even if She never forgives me, at least I won’t fuck up to this degree ever again!
To “Cope,” I drink on sporadic nights during the following week after I fucked up! In turn, I did a few other things that I’m not proud of, which I can only imagine made the situation ten times worse! I won’t go into details about the days to follow, but again I’m not very happy with how I reacted. I didn’t want to admit that I had an issue!
So why am I drinking Tonight? Good question! An attempt to escape my embarrasment, to escape the guilt, to escape the shame, to escape the anger that I have towards myself or to attempt to cope. The problem is that it’s NOT working!
I’ve decided that tonight will be my last night drinking! I do not want to hurt, anger or let down anyone that I love ever again! And if I’m lucky enough to earn Her forgiveness and we work things out (which seems doubtful), I simply can’t drink EVER again. We’d end up right in the same boat that we’re in right now. I need to make a serious decision to STOP drinking! For me, and for my loved ones.
I’m not sure that She’ll ever forgive me! I’m not sure if Her family will ever forgive me – but quitting will be a start. I’ve been wanting to quit anyway. But I feel like me fucking up has been an eye opener! I feel terrible and I’d like to let this be a stepping stone.
I’ve downloaded a schedule of AA meetings. I plan to attend my first meeting on my Birthday, which is just a few days from now! I can’t pick a better day to begin attending! If I set my mind to it, I really believe that I can do it. If I make another entry, I guess that whoever is reading this will know that I decided to go ahead with it!