Why does time have to keep going

 

Everything hurts, yet i don’t have the guts to end it all I’m 13 going to a school that makes me want to drive my fist into a mirror I have severe depression no one cares about me. Not that i could ever blame them i’m ugly I’ll never amount to anything. My mother doesn’t seem to realize how much i wish to die this house is going to be the death of i sit here all day wishing for something more, Yet here i am sitting on a home computer  because my mom does not trust me with anything. I’m black (Not that it matters but whatever) I get called “White Washed” Because i don’t act like the African-Americans in my school. But i found myself i don’t like how i have to be put in a category when we are all just humans. Going through space and time at the same speed and the same longing to be free. I feel like no one loves me i try my best to be something more in this society. I try so hard but what does it even matter it won’t stop anything i won’t gain anything no one cares about me. But i don’t know why but then again i know exactly why i wish i looked like the other girls in our grade with their perfect hair and beautiful bodies. People call me body goals but  they emphasize my body like i’m some kind of advertisement. I have a B-cup and everyone says my tits are huge but that make no sense they say my ass is huge but tbh i don’t understand.. . They same i’m some kind of goddess when in reality i’m a mistake, i’m a mistake that will never be anything more.

My mother loves my sister more than me, And i don’t know why She doesn’t deserve her love. . .She is an awful person i don’t know why she gets everything its not fair. What about me, why can’t you love me as much as you love her why can’t i be loved like she is. Why can’t i be loved like you love her Mom. What did i do, did i do something wrong i know i’m not good enough but i wish to have something its not fair to me or your other child. Why can’t you share your love equally between everyone .

At school this kid, Alex, he tells me to kill myself well. He more or less goes “Randy you want to kill yourself don’t you” At first it was a joke but then it started to hurt. . because he’s not wrong i want to die, I struggled with self harm and have all the scars to prove it but e doesn’t know that i want to be the old me i want to wear short sleeves to school and be happy i want to be the old goofy and silly me and not the mask i keep on trying to replicate the past. My school counselor tells me i’m allowed to wear short sleeves but Alex, He is my issue every person in the school is my issues i don’t want to be questioned about something i want to forget. Why does it hurt so much, to not be able to be me. I hate myself i hated me back then and i hate me now. I maybe just want to feel the happiness of felling like control is in my grasps again.

I just i want to die but i can’t because the people who care, or claim to care. Want me here and i don’t want to put someone else through the pain of feeling empty without me. Do you know how hurt they would be how devastated i could make another human being feel. Or maybe they are lying like everyone else does maybe they know they have hurt me before. And they would feel like my death is on their hands. . .Makes my head hurt to think about it, There is so much more to my life but this is getting long i can’t keep going, not that anyone would ever care to read this but. Why not get my feelings out while i can (Btw randy is not my real name just a nickname that caught on way to well) Goodbye for now.

Sincerely, Randy 

2 thoughts on “Why does time have to keep going”

  1. Trust me I understand were your coming from, I too am an African and 14 (and yes I’m black). I know how much it hurts to go through things like that, some people for some stupid reason find ok to hurt other. Trust me, it might hurt today but it will one day makes us stronger. Use the hurt and energy as a way to fuel yourself, I know people say it all the time that life will get better. But in some crazy way it’s true. It hurts not have motherly love, but stuff your mother because she’s missing out on the life of an amazingly strong daughter. Yes I don’t know you but I would love to be your friend, life has it’s ups and downs. But it also has it’s rainbows, there will be a time in life were you’ll look back and be thankful you didn’t end it there. If those people that claim to love don’t care about you, then they sure as hell don’t derisive you. Sometimes we need to let go of the people in life that we think we love in order for us to grow, I’m always here if u want to talk

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