9:23am – If you stumbled upon this Journal – Welcome! Today is day 2 of Sobriety! Tomorrow is my Birthday! Tomorrow, I’ll be attending my very first AA meeting at 7:30pm.
I ended up going camping last night! I invited LLS and The Boys. She didn’t text back and I can’t blame Her! I’ve pretty much been nothing but a pain in Her ass since everything went down after I drink at Her Mother’s! I don’t feel like a very good person today, even though I didn’t drink last night! I thought that I would at least feel a little better today!
So far the shame, guilt, hatred of myself and embarrasment still lingers! Hopefully that will get better! I don’t like myself right now! Maybe in a few days I’ll be in better spirits!
I left a couple of Voice mails for LLS and a few text messages. I feel like an idiot for not giving Her space and for acting weak and needy. Nobody wants to be “That Guy.” I was never like that before I started drinking. I miss Her and I miss the Boys tremendously! It’s like a piece of me is missing!
The health websites say that I shouldn’t stop drinking like I am. They say that I should be in a clinic to detox…but I go days without drinking! I think I’ll be okay! The health websites say that I could die from “Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome.” But as much as I hate to say this, I pretty much already feel dead inside! Maybe it’s just the booze or toxins from alcohol remaining in my system. I don’t know. But I’d better get ready for work!
4:05pm:I texted LLS to ask about seeing the Boys tomorrow on my Birthday! I offered to meet Her at The playground. I really hope that She comes! I haven’t seen the Boys in 10 days. That’s been very tough!
11:00pm: Although I didn’t drink tonight, it’s going to seem like I did to LLS. I sent some shitty text messages out of anger! I don’t know if it’s because I’m craving drinking and I’m frustrated or what it is. Whatever the case, She didn’t deserve it. All night so far, all I want to do is get drunk to escape.
But I know that I won’t be escaping anything! The problem will still be there! I regret being rude to LLS. Probably no way She’ll meet me to see the Boys after me acting like that. The sad thing is that I can’t even use that I was drunk as an excuse. I will say in all honesty that I just want to drink, but I’m forcing myself not to. But I’m craving it and I feel very irritable and annoyed! I was even rude to some customers at my job! I feel horrible for it. Today just sucked all around. I hope that these cravings go away soon.
I really am hoping for a silver lining very soon! I don’t like myself today!