Hate

(Logical) My ADHD is getting worse, and sometimes I fall into a state where I lose it. I don’t know why but about an hour ago I started to be overcome with an extremely intense feeling of anger. Not normal anger, this anger seeps into everything, even when I don’t have a reason to be angry it still takes over. I can’t stop it and the only way I know of it going away is with time. I am not angry at you or anything you’ve done, I probably was just annoyed a little by something randomly in my room and it ramped out of control.

Below is what I wrote while in this state and I thought about letting you read it to convey how bad it can get, to let you know that when I seriously run away, and I specifically tell you not to chase me, listen. It can only end badly and hurting you is the last thing I ever want to do in my life.

I really don’t want to hurt you, please don’t read this if you don’t want to

 

 

(illogical)

 

 

 

This is why I hate myself sometimes, how can something so simple cause such immense rage? I don’t even know what it was, one second I missed you because I was stressed, and wanted nothing but to be with you. Then suddenly I was hit with such intense rage and hatred, how am I possibly feeling those emotions right now, about someone I adore so much?

I am, and my only option is to bail, run away and make sure you don’t try to catch up because if you did I’d hurt you. Even though I don’t want to. I understand the flaws in this logic but I can’t even start to make myself feel different. Right now, I hate everyone and everything including myself, I want to destroy everything around me and burn their twisted wreckage to ashes and I don’t know why and that scares me.

I hate it all, everyone I know, everyone I don’t know, everything that has, will and does exist. But I refuse to accept that I could really ever feel anything but joy when I think about you. But right now I don’t, and this is where I give you the opportunity to see the worst part of me.

The part of me that wants to strangle your stupid fucking ‘birbs’ or whatever the fuck they are called straight out of the sky and pulverize them into the dirt with the bottom of my shoe, and tell you that I don’t care, despite the fact I think the way you said it was cute, and deep down hearing that word brought me happiness. Despite me wanting nothing more than to talk to you about random things, no matter how small, and that I do care.

The part of me that wants to scream out in rage and tell you to stop with all the fucking nonsense and just say whats on your fucking mind because I want to help you and I deserve that much. Even though any other time I would happily be patient because I know that sometimes talking isn’t the answer, any other time, when I would take the utmost pleasure in knowing that you don’t feel the need to explode, just the need for some comfort and I would be happy to give it to you.

The part of me that wants to break all of my possessions and never leave this room again, even though I miss you really bad and just want to be in your arms right now, more than anything.

I am not thinking straight at all, I’m out of control, I’m sad and angry and confused and lonely and every word that comes out of my head has six different meanings. I’m thinking things that make me physically recoil in surprise because they are so different to what I believe that it makes me feel like a different person all together.

When I get out of control that’s what it is, out of control. I can still think logically but those thoughts are more than easily drowned out by the endless sea of horrible impulsive and emotional ones.

 

 

(logical)The things I said in this are NOT to be taken as any sort of fact or true feeling, this was meant as a text to let you know about how I get. If you don’t want to have to handle this I don’t blame you and if it’s too much I honestly won’t be too shocked, just make sure you let me down easy. This is what I consider to be the inhuman, monster-like part of me, and I’m completely ashamed whenever it comes out. 

And god dammit I adore birbs, and I adore you, everything about you ESPECIALLY the part of you that comes up with birbs. I NEED to make sure you know that wasn’t how I feel about those things, don’t change, you’re perfect.

One thought on “Hate”

  1. I hate intrusive thoughts. I do not like when I have thoughts that I know I fundamentally do not agree with but they have the emotions to back them so they feel so real.

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