What love must truely be….

No one ever told me how easy it was to fall in love. Which sadly means I never knew how hard to loose love for someone would be. Until I felt the ultimate betrayal. Loving someone so much, knowing you would do anything for that person, wondering why they haven’t been home for the 2nd week in a row.  Sitting there thinking what I ever did to deserve this torture. Having dinner ready made for you every weekend you would be off from work, ready for you to come home, ready to see you, smell you, feel you, just know that you’re home and here for me.   Lying, not answering, not letting me know you’re even breathing. Finally I get to see you, finally you take me out… I mean we were only ENGAGED. Make me cry, I gave you back the diamond. Few days later I finally get to see you I finally get to love you…. wait you passed out, wheres your phone? Wait hold up not in your jeans?, Not under you, think you’re that slick… No. Under the car seat ….. “wow”… my hearts pounding, I’m scared of what I’ll find, I cant hold back the tears.

*scrolling*   *scrolling*

My heart drops, reality kicks in. I CANT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME!! The amazing family I thought I had, or the family I so badly wanted, was a lie. Wasn’t real, never will be.

 

Scrolling threw seeing your messages to every other woman but me. Its starting to hurt, I can’t breathe, please end this life please god just take my pain.

 

” I can’t wait to grab your ass and kiss you baby”

” You’re so beautiful”

” I’ll take you for a ride on my bike”

 

Why…? Why wouldn’t you just leave me, why would you put me through this kind of fucking pain, what did I do to deserve this!?

 

Anger take me over so I let each and everyone of them know ” I’M HERE, I’M STILL ENGAGED, I’M STILL BEING LIED TO AND SO ARE YOU!”

Wow I get a call…. great Tasha it is?, almost older than his mom… what? Thats what he wanted that’s what he destroyed what had for? A fucking grandma with 4 kids?

The tears over flow when she tell me whats happened behind my back. I can’t believe what shes saying, my hearts breaking… Ive never felt this pain before, I’d never wish it on my worst enemy.

Suddenly he starts waking up, she hears him, ” tell that little fuck Tasha said HI” , relayed the message, Ive never seen some turn pale in the blink of an eye… till now.

Don’t you dare put your hands on me!!, Why are you freaking out little boy?!, Can’t just talk to me let me know what the fuck is up!!” GET OFF ME!!!

 

Adrenaline running through my vain I swing, BOOM

Busted lip, blood everywhere, not letting him leave.

Lucky for him my grandmother was there, she grabbed the full beer bottle out of my hands before I broke it on your head!!!!!

I yell ” YOU’RE DEAD TO ME!, I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR ASS EVER AGAIN I’M MOVING ON TO BIGGER AND BETTER!”

 

I cry and cry I can’t believe whats really happened to me. I can’t believe my love meant nothing to you. I meant nothing to you, when you were my whole world.

 

I drive down to town, start packing everything that’s mine, entire time thinking to myself, why me? why me?

Within the day I have everything of mine packed up, YES I found a place to live! Thank you god! I can finally move on with my life a new start! No more kissing ass, no more being lied to, I can finally get the type of man I deserve!

 

Constant gym, school and work flow.

Life was going so well for me.

I meet someone knew, I’m not too sure about him… WOW we’re actually clicking, we have chemistry, this is fun, I’m enjoying your company.

Out of no where guess who calls?,  the one I left to start a new life, a life without lies, cheating, and being put down. Life is finally looking up for me, I’m finally going to be someone!

 

” I miss you (in a high voice, dozing off), I miss eating fried ice cream with you”….

 

“Ummm okay? And what do you need, why are you calling me?”

 

” Come to Taos I want to see you I miss you so much”

 

What was I actually thinking saying “yes”?….

I’m driving to Taos at 12- midnight… to see him, why am I doing this to myself and they guy I was talking to?

Pull up to the gas station I need water, I don’t know if I’m making the right choice… Oh great guess who happens to be there getting gas to go drink with his friends…. the new guy, guess who I blow off… the new guy. ”  Its okay boo, just go with your friends, go have fun, call me when you are home I’ll go over, we’ll spend the weekend together!”

 

Getting back on the road on the way to see the man who broke my heart. Thinking about how badly I was messing up, thinking about how I should just turn around. But I can’t stop myself from making this mistake!!!

 

I get there…. I walk in. You act as if you’ve never seen me in person before?

Like I was a piece of meat, wasn’t that all I was that weekend to you.

New man calls and calls I don’t answer knowing I’m breaking his heart, I still ignore him.

Finally Sunday comes the bitch you were talking to kept calling, I should have just answered… Let her know what and where you were all weekend ignoring her boy chestedness. We agree to meet in Bernalillo at the home that was once ours.

 

You don’t text, you don’t call. Guess who wasn’t able to get your message saying not to come, why? Cause you have another woman in your truck the bitch you blew off all weekend for me! She starts crying I almost grab her by the hair and slam her, lucky for her your friend, the guy she fucked on a daily before she met was there. Talk about disgusting.

You call and call your friend to bring the bitch back to your house? HA! Shes too scared to come out knowing I’m there checking making sure your alcoholic ass is home for your mom who asked me!

Fuck you!, don’t call me leave me alone I’m done with you!!!!!!

You find out I was seeing someone, while were apart. NOW I’M THE BAD PERSON, I’M THE WHORE! It wasn’t the man who fucked 2 woman and dated 3 while being engaged?

Just leave me alone I want nothing to do with you!, you are nothing to me! (Lying to myself, knowing I can’t eat, sleep, breathe without you).

Holding back my tears knowing its my fault cause I was stupid enough to let you back into my life, and play me dirty again.

 

Month goes by, *ring* *ring*

“hello?”

“I miss you brandi”

“what do you mean you miss me? I’m the biggest whore remember?” ” I’m dead to you for moving on!” ( Sadly knowing even though he did what he did I missed him and just hated myself cause I loved him and always will). 

” I want you, I’ll pay your way through school, you wont have to worry, I love you”.

” Let’s talk in person first, lets see what happens, I love you too”

We meet, we talk. I start leaving every weekend to see you. Things are getting better , Things are passionate you’re trying so hard!

I’ve never been so in love I cant believe this second chance would turn out to be so amazing and everything I’ve ever wanted.

He proposed!!!

** A YEAR GOES BY **

 

The drinking needs to stop!!! You need to come home! Stop doing those pills! Stop lying to me!!! Why are you doing this to me again why??

You message other woman cause ” I know you’re watching me that’s why I did it”.

ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING ME!

IS THIS REAL LIFE?!?!?!

How could that ever be an excuse to hurt someone on purpose? How is that right?

Great a year lease literally weeks before this shit. I’m stuck, stuck in a lease and stuck in love with someone who will never love me as much as I wish, and need.

When do you know when to walk away. When the addiction brake you, us everything you had in your life? How is this really worth it to you!?!

 

Maybe walking away is the best thing, Things last as long as they need to. If you cant change and be the man I know you can, You will not be my man…

Love hurts…. Is this what its like

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