I have been single now for 6 month, and what a journey it has been. On my birthday back in December I woke up, and the first thing out of my husbands mouth was: “I don’t want to be married anymore.” What do you say to that? It was my fucking birthday. So I said what any normal women would say, I said : “Are you still taking me out for breakfast for my birthday?” His response was priceless he looked puzzelled, and said: “Do you still want to go?”
I burst into tears and said: “No, I do not want to go to breakfast with you!” He said: “We can talk about this.”
I did not want to talk. I said: “Was this something you was sure about.” And he responded “yes!” I told him I don’t want to spend another minute of my life with a person who does not want to spend their life with me.
So here I am 6 month later SINGLE, Divorced and to be honest happier than I EVER remember! Before we go to the happy part it was a terrible, horrible, painful, journey and here is where it all began…
I was very “ill” when this all occurred. My birthday (the day my husband decided to call off our 7+ year marriage) was only 3 days after I completed an intensive out patient program for suicidal ideations, and catitonic depression. I was getting better but 2 weeks earlier I had a gun in my hand and was ready to pull the trigger.
On that scary day I laid in bed and had suicidal ideation after years of being passively suicidal. I was determined enough was enough. I went to the gun safe and said to myself thank god I told my husband I am bipolar and because of this I should never know the combination of the lock. So why was I even trying I did not know the password or did I? I pressed 1234 no go. I pressed my birthday 1217 and the green light comes on, the safe opens and I think to myself what an asshole he put the code as my birthday.
I didnt think he wanted me dead. I was mad though, he knew how depressed and desperate I get. Why would he ever make it so easy to access. He could have put 5765 and I would have NEVER guessed (hence that being a random number right now)
So when I opened the safe I touched the gun. I then proceeded to get nauseous and I ran to the bathroom and threw up. In my mind this was a good sign if I was this emotional to the idea of me dying, I must have a sliver of hope. As much as I thought I wanted to die, my body was telling me don’t do this LIVE.