Today is day #4!! I feel slightly better, I guess! I’m moody, I can’t sleep, I’m chain smoking and I haven’t been able to eat!
As well as thinking about drinking, I think of LLS and The Boy’s nearly every minute of the day! I can’t get rid of the guilt and the shame! I can’t shake the feeling of hatred that I have for myself! It sucks!!! I have so much on my mind!!!
I can’t explain how I feel today! I feel confused, I feel anxious, I feel crabby, I feel irrational and I feel like yelling at someone! I can’t fall asleep for Shit! I want to get drunk. I wish that I were drunk right now! But that won’t solve anything!! I’m already 4 days committed- so I’ll keep pushing. I feel sick, I have a horrible headache, I’m pretty sure that I had a small Withdrawal siezure, but I’m not sure. All that I know is that I was staring into space like a zombie for what seemed like forever. This isn’t easy…but I’m not giving up.
I’m not certain if these are feelings from quitting drinking or from the stress of fucking up so horribly.
I miss The Boy’s something awful today. I miss LLS too – but today I especially miss the Boys! Their hugs, reading them stories…I even miss telling them to stop running in the House! I love and miss them so much Today!! This is hard!
All of this at once is difficult!
But I’m not giving up!!!