Isolated and Scared

I feel alone, and I feel hopeless and I’m worrying about people who are very dear to me.

My girlfriend, whom I depend on every day to stay sane and who saved me from my darkest moments. The girl I love, the girl who I would never leave for anything in the world and the most important person I’ve met in my life.

and my only previous girlfriend, who I regret treating so poorly and who has despite me not deserving it, has forgiven me, and we have become friends. I trust her  immensely and she is very reliable. 

These two have really shaped who I am today, convinced me that feeling like shit is always a better option than not feeling at all, because feeling bad is what teaches you lessons. It’s needless to say I’ve learnt a lot recently, and I’m grateful for it. But unfortunately with these great surges of new intensities of emotion, come the inevitable ways I’ll fuck it up for everyone.

Sure I can’t blame myself for my ADHD I know that, but try and tell that to my brain. I feel so stupid for blowing things so crazily out of proportion when I get emotional. Even if it starts small, when I start feeling something it doesn’t fucking stop, I can’t stop it eating up all the space in my head until I can’t think of anything else. I get slower and slower until everyone gets judgemental of me for working so slowly and being unproductive. But I can’t tell them how I feel because I don’t trust people with my inner workings, so I just become a lump of meat for a while until I can clear my mind, which can take weeks if its bad enough.

These two, ESPECIALLY my girlfriend are the two people I can actually express myself to, and I’ve only recently reconciled with both of them since my days of being a monster with no emotions. When they are feeling down I don’t stop worrying about them, it becomes the thing that takes up my mind and I crumble. The worst part is when they try to be strong, when they don’t unveil their feelings or thoughts and they tough it out so I don’t have to expend energy helping them or dealing with their problems. It hurts so bad because I become the weakest when people I care about are being strong. I don’t want to push them too far because I don’t like confrontation, but I don’t want to leave them because feelings don’t go away for me and I don’t know for sure people are okay until they explain it to me.

I usually just end up curled up in a ball at home while they are fine, becoming someone they then need to deal with. Fuck that, I feel like such a burden when I suck at helping them, and then dump my made up emotional problems on them expecting them to even want to go anywhere near my mess of a mental state. How do you tell someone that because they didn’t exactly specify that they were fine, your whole afternoon was spent silently breaking down inside? How could anyone place that burden on people they care about multiple times a week?

I struggled accepting that I actually had a proper problem with my ADHD for a while because I thought I was pretty normally functioning, now I know that I can never pass for a ‘normal’ person. If anyone could see inside my head they would know instantly I had something wrong with me. I realise now how much I must misconstrue on a daily basis, how much meaning I find in nothing while racking my head for answers to problems that don’t exist.

But you know what, I just have to carry on getting back up, maybe a professional will be able to help me if my parents can START trying to book one after a MONTH. I honestly don’t know if they even realise I have a condition sometimes, especially considering I’ve gone without any sort of treatment or education on this my whole life. But how? I got diagnosed wouldn’t they have gotten me some help? I clearly exhibit symptoms so why don’t they care? 

Whatever, as I said, keep getting back up and I’ll be fine.

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