Loneliness

I have come to accept the idea that I create my own fears and paranoias without knowing it. I fear loneliness, yet I push everyone away after a certain amount of time. It’s almost as if I am beating that person to the punch, only to ponder in the end “what went wrong?” I find myself most the time questioning love, yes that four letter word that can either be magical or destructive. When I say it I’m not sure if I feel it’s meaning. My relationships always go to sh*ts after a few years because I question it. It always results in me feeling almost bored and wanting the thrill of more and seeking the adrenaline of being no good, promiscuous, and care-free. I love the idea and scare I get knowing I can cheat and get away with it, but then afterwards have remorse of knowing that if my partner found out it would destroy them. These are my Borderline struggles that are like any other persons substance addiction. This is why I question if I really understand “Loves” meaning and feeling. This is why I have ran so long from marriage.

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