I have realized how insecure about my body I am.
I was doing good. I thought I was getting happier with myself–truly feeling “self confidence”. Then, I took a deeper look at myself compared to my friends. And, I truly hate myself… Again.
I do think I’m pretty. I can have the ability to look like a bomb ass bitch. I can play dress up and apply multiple layers of mascara and eyeliner and look good! I have a nice ass, I guess. It’s “big”, but it’s not the way I like. I have no tits though. None whatsoever.
I also have a really big nose. It sticks out, the way a witches would. I used to get bullied for it, but now I kind of just accept it and debate back and forth to myself on whether I should someday get plastic surgery or not. I would, but then I would be changing myself to make myself perfect… And I hate “perfect”.
I just wish I had a smaller nose and bigger tits. Maybe a flatter stomach and a tan. And lighter hair. I realize that I am the duff out of my friends. I look pretty with clothes on, but I look like a troll without. I hate myself sometimes, and today is one of those times.
I am currently writing this at my friends house. She is very pretty. She is skinny and now has nice tits (that are bigger than mine) and she is starting to get a nice ass. She was also a gymnast, so she has abs. It sucks because she was always the stick friend that had no boobs or ass or really anything until freshman year of high school. I have always been the way I am now. I am “skinny”, but with no definition to my stomach. I have an ass, but it’s weird kind of. And my tits are nice when I am wearing a bra with the straps tightened all the way.
I think about my looks a lot. I wish I didn’t really necessarily care about my body, but I do. Many girls say they don’t care, but that is either because they like the way they look and don’t want to be conceited or they are lying to themselves. It upsets me, but I can’t change it no matter how hard I try.
I try to change my subconscious, but it’s so hard when you’ve trained yourself to want to be perfect for many years. It’s so hard when you grow up in a society that tells you what beautiful is. The 21st century truly fucking sucks.
I am sorry this is kind of depressing. I will try to put happier entries later, but as of right now, I am upset about myself.
Song of the entry: Let Me Love You – Ariana Grande
Thank you for reading my thoughts. I really appreciate it.