Right now the best way to describe my mental and physical state is stuck in a rut. I am more than aware that i am absolutely not doing myself any favours. I need to make changes in a big way if i want to feel better anytime soon. Right now everything is always going to start getting better tomorrow… Today is always the day before.
Obviously nothing can bring Gram back. No amount of tears will or can change the way it happened. Yesterday was the one month anniversary to the day she left us. In the evening, especially around the time she passed is when i found it the hardest. I didn’t cry. I’m sick of crying. The way in which my brain tortures me is worse than anything anyone could do to me or anything i could inflict on myself. The scenes replaying, the flashbacks… I need them to stop or i am going to lose my mind.
I found myself around two weeks ago feeling really overwhelmed by the people around me. I isolated in a way i probably never have before. I cut myself off from everyone, got rid of my phone and all social media platforms. I didn’t want to see anyone; i spent a lot of time in my room alone. I don’t know if i did myself more damage or good. I’m not sure it’s got easier to accept things because of that time alone or is it just the natural course of time moving forward.
Time moving forward… I felt myself resenting people for moving on. I resent that you’ve booked that holiday and are out enjoying the sunshine. How fucking dare they smile and laugh when Gram isn’t here no more. I can’t do it. Why can’t i do it! I know Gram wouldn’t want me to be like this. She would be devastated to know i am this sad. If she were here she would probably try to hug or kiss it away like she always did when she knew i was sad about something.
I’ve been having nightmares. I have found from past experience that nightmares are my minds response to extreme stress such as that of grief and loss. Like my head is not fucked up enough already! On top of that my fucked up brain wants to make sure I’m tortured even when I’m asleep! The ones I’ve had during this period are the type that wrench your heart out and stick it in a dam blender.
My entire routine and every disorder i have is at its worst at the moment. What’s crazy is i know I’m still better right now than i was before. At least I’m aware now that I’m in a bad place. At some points in the last month it’s like i was dead too.
The reality of my situation is more intense than just the trauma of losing Gram. Soon my family could be homeless because we live in Gram’s house. The thought of leaving this house, one I’ve lived in for the last 20 years fills me with sorrow. Every memory i have of Gram is in this house. Her room is directly below mine. This is all we have left of her.
A few days ago after a really bad night, i had one of the worst nightmares out of the lot. I had a major migraine from all the crying i did that morning. I was sat on the sofa trying to focus as everyone around me was talking at me about what needs to be done. The reality hit me through my clouded brain that if i don’t wake up then i am not the only one that is going to be fukd! It’s literally a fight back this process or sink and dig yourself a dam hole to be buried in because everything is going to land on our heads like a ton of bricks if things aren’t done.
I came upstairs to my room in a haze and smoked a super long cigarette, washed my face, changed my clothes after god knows how many days, brushed my hair, had a double strong coffee and got the pen and paper out to get shit in order. That was a few days ago and up until yesterday evening i didn’t stop. It was like autopilot; it’s pretty much the same mode i was in during the funeral.
But today i guess I’m sitting here looking at me. What about me? I have to sort me out! I can’t start Monday i need to start now today with this journal. I need to make a plan for the next week including this weekend. I got to start getting strict again with my sleep and start pushing at the fitness routine to tackle some of the shit going on in my head. Everyday needs to have a goal that is going to help me fight this thing I’m going through.
I have to get strong. This shit has only just started to hit the fan. If i sink, they sink!