a 20+ lb puppy who loves you can do some damage
wall push ups progress i guess. bicep strength is slowly growing, tricep strength is barely existent.
diet is following a trend. one meal involves bread and the rest are immaculate. i’m really gonna have to make a suitable substitute for bread so i can eat a tuna sandwich without self flagellating.
i put makeup on for the first time in months. good to know i still remember how. i’m trying to keep myself on a positive track because the last several months have been the embodiment of the color gray. so i put on foundation that matches, i color corrected my purple eye circles, i put on some really nice eyeshadow from south korea (i really freakin like it) and i put on some dark berry lip balm and i felt almost like a girl.
then after i got back home, and after i got off the phone, i dug into dirt with laser focus and ruined everything with dirt and mud smears and sweat. i sat back to look all the pots over then got up to rearrange more plants. i’m still not content but after a few hours the mosquitoes found me.
i don’t know what to do with myself. in a way i’m back where i always end up. people have to work at loving me. and i don’t know do i cross my fingers and hope it all pans out?
fine, my idea today wasn’t a rousing success like i’d hoped. let’s meet up a few times a month! ‘meh’ i’m gonna come visit! ‘meh’ move here! ‘meh’. how exactly do you fix something someone built up in their mind about a problem that doesn’t really exist?
yeah, i’ve had moments, ‘i’m gonna be on the phone til i’m 50’, ‘i’m too lonely’, ‘this hurts too much, better shut all the feelings down’. but i made myself stop walling off every time and i don’t understand how if i can do that more than once why won’t he
if I did it why isn’t HE. i know it’s a little kid mindset. it’s not fair, what did i do wrong, it’s not fair!
i go back and forth being scared to angry
he tells me he’s staying, but it’s obvious his heart isn’t back yet. i don’t know how to talk to this person i’ve never really gotten to know. you know? it looks like my baby, it sounds like my baby. but there just seems to be tolerance instead of love.
and i don’t want to cry again so i’m gonna get in bed and play dumb games