I’m writing these down to remember.
Quietly. At the very beginning, you struggle with the little things, but you usually choose to ignore them. It’s like a headache. You tell yourself “it’s temporary, and it’ll pass”. It’s just another bad day, but it’s not. You’re stuck, in this state of mind- you get used to putting on a social mask and you continue to live among other people, because that’s what you have to do, that’s what others do.
However the problem does not go away, you struggle to put on a play, every day, and it starts to cost you more, and more. That, is why you fall even deeper and that’s when you.. Slowly, start to back away from friends and family- sometimes completely shutting them out.
All satisfaction is gone. All the things that you used to enjoy are now worthless. Even the simplest tasks become painful, and that, is why you lack motivation. Why would you keep on trying if nothing makes you happy anyway. All of this makes you feel even worse and you get caught up in a vicious circle.
Suddenly, you find yourself living in slow motion. Days, become indistinguishable, just, like noise- just, heaviness filling your mind and spreading over your body. You feel as though you will never be happy again. You.. continue to back away, and destroy relationships. You’re ashamed for everything you’ve done, and everything you haven’t. There is a part of you that wants to make things right, a sudden, positive upsurge makes you want to go out and meet people but, it’s all very short lived, because you know it won’t work anyway. Things that make your friends excited, you feel indifferent and you become aware of the huge gap that lies between you- another, failure is not an option, so in the end you choose to be alone, in your comfort zone where no one asks any questions.
Low self-esteem and the lack of purpose become unbearable. You, finally realize you can’t go on that way, and two things can happen. You either.. Decide to get some help, or, you.. might attempt a suicide.
No, not again. Why does this always have to come out of nowhere. I can’t catch my breath, why can’t I catch my breath, my hands are shaking, my heart’s definitely going too fast, my pulse is too high, my pulse is definitely too high, I need to– I wish someone was here- no, they’d think I’m crazy, it’s cold, why do I feel so heavy in the chest- What were the symptoms of a heart attack again?- chest pain, numb muscles– Yeah, that’s it, definitely having a heart attack, why are my muscles so tight, where did my legs go? I can’t feel, just feels like I’m on the other side, this isn’t real, completely unreal- relax, you need pills, I feel like I’m gonna be sick.. No, these will help, this will calm you down- this is not a good idea, stop smoking- No, I’ll take some more- No. Okay, did I overdose?- Probably overdosed, is this okay?- Why is everything so fast my head’s going to explode, am I going crazy probably going crazy- what if I lose control- I hope no one sees me like this, I really don’t feel well, am I dying?- This is- Wait. I know this. This is a panic attack. My brain just messed things up and chose fight or flight at the wrong place, and the wrong time. Okay, okay. Okay. I’m just going to lie down, clench my fists and it’ll pass. It always does. Nothing bad ever happens. Just breathe- relax, calm down.
I really wish someone was here- Do I?.. No, they wouldn’t understand, how would I even explain this, for no particular reason. This is stupid- I’m so tired. I don’t want anybody to see me like this- What if I had a panic attack in public, everybody would be loo- No, no. No no no no no no.