My mind is kind of changing. My life is changing. I have so many thoughts and ideas going through my mind.
I am an author in the making. I am currently writing a book. I’ve always loved to write, but I never finish any of my pieces because I get bored and distracted or just move onto another thing. But, I am feeling pretty good about this one. If I continue to feel strongly towards this book, maybe I will tell you some information about it.
Today, I tried to dye the tips of my hair purple. It didn’t really work, considering I used kool-aid and my hair is a dirty blondish color. I might try it again soon, with more kool-aid.
I think about sex a lot. I don’t plan on having sex anytime soon–I am now a sophomore in high school–but I am still curious. I want to know what it feels like. I am too awkward and insecure to have sex with someone. You might add on that I am too young, but many girls my age at school have sex with boys left and right. I just don’t want to be that teenager that gets pregnant because the condom broke or something. Personally, I would keep the baby if that ever did happen, but I would wish the father would stay around and help. But many boys that I know aren’t like that. They would flee as soon as you brought up the word “baby” if it wasn’t used as a pet name. Boys are assholes.
There is this one boy that I am into. He is going to be a senior. I have been attracted to him physically all throughout the last school year. I never knew his name, but I saw him in the hallways all the time. Two weeks before school got out, I found his Snapchat through our school group Snapchat. I added him and he added me back, and we have been flirting back and forth ever since. It’s been probably almost a month since we started talking as friends. Or, whatever we are.
He messes with my head. At first, it was very flirtatious. If I didn’t know any better, I would say that we were in the “talking” stage. Then, things started to die down, and recently started going back up again. He talks to me very sexually–although, not as bad as other boys have talked to me. Hunter will say things like “fuck me”, to be blunt, or “sit on my cock”. I know, it’s uncomfortable reading, but it makes me feel good. I hate that it does, but it’s a sign that he wants me. Maybe I am desperate and that’s why I like those words, but I’m really into him. I don’t even know anything about him.
Sometimes, he will be sweeter than that. He talks about cuddling a lot and how he wishes I would just lay with him. That really warms my heart, because that’s all that I want. I don’t want sex, but I think he does. I talk about sex with him, but I use it in a joking manner. I would never have sex with someone I barely know. I think he wants to hang out, but I am too awkward and have too much anxiety to hang out in person. I feel like I look different online than in person. I am a lot uglier in person.
I wish I would just not give a fuck about boys. Or my looks. I wish I could just focus on school and writing and music. All I know is boys, boys, and boys. But, could you blame me? Every movie or show I watch, there’s some kind of romance. Every book I ready, there’s sexual tension. Every friendship I have, the females are very consumed of the ideas of having a boyfriend. I wish I didn’t care about that at all. Either that or stop being so goddamn insecure about myself.
I do think my anxiety has gotten better. I had a breakdown the other night, and my mother told me she was going to put me back in therapy. The truth is, therapy doesn’t do shit. I had a mindset of getting better–I put myself in therapy. But, all we did was talk about my problems, and when I didn’t have problems, I made scenarios seem more dramatic so there was something to talk about. Although, I went into therapy hoping my therapist would diagnose me with depression and anxiety or something and order me some pills. It wasn’t because I wanted to take the pills, it was because I wanted to be officially diagnosed with something and take some kind of medication to get myself better. She did tell me that I had major depression and anxiety, but never spoke of medications. I stopped going about a year ago because the summer got too busy. But let me tell you, I have contemplated suicide many times throughout the last school year.
Don’t worry, I would never commit suicide. I am too afraid of it, for my own religious reasons. I am not a very religious person, but I do have beliefs. I don’t really know where you go if you commit suicide, but I am terrified of going to hell, so I wouldn’t jeopardize the possibility of heaven or hell on such a limb. I don’t really know what I am saying right now. I am really tired.
My thoughts are all over the place right now. I think I might just go to sleep so maybe my mind can calm down and I can actually think straight and focus for once in my life.
Song of the entry: In Town – Andy Shauf
Thank you for reading. I will update you later about my book, if I continue to write it.
Also, I don’t know how to comment back to people, if I even can, but if you see this–comment something! I like reading people’s thoughts about my own. Just please be fragile. I have a very vulnerable state of mind to be confessing all my unfiltered thoughts to whomever reads this.