Entry #3: Loss

Just kidding, I lied. It seems I am not done rambling for today. There is more, so much more, on my mind. I don’t know if I will get to it all tonight, so I will talk about only one.

I cannot get a certain person out of my head. I think about this person every single day, each thought recurring more than once throughout the day. It’s tormenting, because I loved this person more than I had loved anyone before. Ever. I would always refer to him as my best friend, my partner in crime, my kindred spirit…

I looked up to this person as a father, and he is an older member of my family, what’s more. For years, I had looked up to my brother and we were so close…but over time we grew apart and now we’re practically nothing like we were to each other. Then I had a hole that needed to be filled for the loss of my brother. That’s when…this particular family member of mine stepped into my life. He was absolutely wonderful. He comforted me through my hardships and showed me loved and affection. For months we talked and got to hang out sometimes. He is –was—the sweetest and most caring person I had ever known. I was so happy. But then came his betrayal…

I will only say the word betrayal because I don’t want to get too far into the situation. Ever since he made his inappropriate moves on me, I became stuck between feelings of love and utter resentment for him. At this very moment, I still love him. And I shouldn’t. Not after the disgusting things he did. I eventually made up my mind to let go of this person, and that was a major accomplishment for me. As much as it broke my heart to do it, I knew it would be the right thing to do. I’ve dropped all communication with him now. I feel lost without him. He meant absolutely everything to me. Now we’re like strangers. We had many adventures together, made so many memories during the short time that we were best friends. I loved him.

I’m hoping I can find a way to rid these strangling thoughts of him. It’s not healthy thinking about him every day. I feel like I’m slowly withering, disintegrating within each thought, each recurring memory. I’ve never felt more lonesome in my entire life. I need to find a way to make peace with the situation. It helps me feel better by just writing it all out, even if I’m not going into very much detail. Earlier I was crying slightly, trying my best to contain my emotions. Each thought of him threatened to send me into a fit of hysterical sobbing. Now I don’t feel so bad. I’m still hurting, but I don’t feel like crying anymore. I’ve been numb about the situation for months until now.

I want to make an effort in healing myself. I want to move on. There must be a way…        

One thought on “Entry #3: Loss”

  1. I understand what you’re going through. Maybe not on the level that you experience this, but I understand. I once lost someone in my life whom I think about every single day, and it truly sucks. I feel like there is just this empty hole in my life that will never be filled. It’s like a puzzle piece that is missing, and no other piece will fit into my heart and make it complete again like that one person did. But, the best way to move on and fit another puzzle piece in is to reshape. If you reshape your life or yourself, you could find someone who fits in that new hole even better than the other person. I don’t really know if this is making any sense, but what I am saying is to try to reshape yourself. Try to improve yourself for you. Maybe try a new hobby, or writing more. Find something that interests you–whether that be a group of people, a new hobby, etc. You maybe be surprised at how the future will turn out.

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